So, last night Avi and I were chatting (do you people SEE the benefits of being MY FRIEND yet??) and discussing the fact that we had absofuckinglutely NOTHING to post about today.

Enter the meme.  Fuck.  No tags.  Enter, stage left, Google.  I am not responsible for the entertainment value of these questions as Avi did the googling and the picking and I am merely an easily convinced participant.

Sex in the daylight?  Are you fucking KIDDING ME?  I have glow in the light fucking stretch marks people.  Um, no.

Whichever side is dry.  I do not. do. wet spot.  Ewwww.

Man this is the strangest sex meme ever.  Personally I am a fan of that minty flavored stuff.  But, I mean, I guess chicken is better than… I’m sorry, what’s that?  This isn’t a sex meme??

Pulling over is for pussies.  Real women hang their head out the window.  Type A Alpha Females keep their wits about them just long enough to say “honey, oh honey I think I’m gonna be sick and I HAAATE cleaning up puke” so that their concerned husbands promise to “clean it up baby, it’s ok, just don’t even worry about it”… before throwing up all over the car.  Yeah.  That’s how I roll. 

The gimme answer here is “I don’t wear pants”.  But obviously, I do.  I am not concerned, however, with which leg goes on first.  I am far more concerned with when and how they will come off and oh my god did I plan accordingly and pick out the right underwear!?!??!

Do you people even KNOW that this is the title of one hot ass Prince song? Actually, it’s called Incense & Candles.  And it is a tribute to the hotness that is the sweet seduction of Prince.  And I imagine that he would have millions of white, unscented candles and some musky Iwannadoyoubaby smelling incense.  And now, I need a moment…

Bitches, I wear flip flops in the shower specifically because I dance when no one is watching.  And while my moves are HOT - they can be dangerous on a slippery surface.  No, seriously. I totally wear flip flops in my own shower because I shake my groove thing and sing into the shampoo bottle.  It’s hot.  I know. 

Is that the game where you convince the neighbor boy you’re all innocent and sweet and “oh, what? doctor? I’ve never heard of that game Jimmy” and then it gets all awkward when you’re yelling “not like THAT Jimmy, shit, take my temp like THIS kid”?  Because, no.

Bitch, please.  You do not COOK in the microwave.  You defrost.  You reheat.  You may even need to speed up the marinade from time to time.  But any woman worth her salt in the Becky Homecky department knows you cook with a caterer.

My car.  Once I get you into my car, you don’t care WHAT it looks like, you’re just giddy at the idea of being seen in public with me.  But my house?  My in-laws come to my house.

Avi, I told you, no.

Yes.  I mean technically I leave it in the parking lot, but as I drive away I use my Jedi mind trick to maneuver it back to it’s proper spot.  I am confident that works.
Shower or bath? Bath for fun and relaxation, showers to get clean.

Like I have time for a fucking bath.  Seriously. If I had time for a bath I would spend that time in a mall.  And then I will need to spend more time at work, to pay for that trip to the mall.  And then I will need to spend more time with my children to diminish the guilt of working so damn much.

Can you honestly imagine me in the shower?….. Now doesn’t the idea of me PEEING just kind of ruin it for you?

I like Mexicans. They’re hard workers.  Their swear words are easy to pick up on.  And the accent isn’t too difficult to mimic in a joke, either.  I’m sorry, what?  The question was what?  Ah fuck, hate mail.

Which is the one that responds when you say “say mah name, bitch”?

No.  We rent.  I know that we’re not building equity but right now it just makes more sens for our current financial situation.  We’re looking into timeshare.

I like my asshole properly battered, thank you.

What’s that one where the waitresses are always high so it’s really easy to Dine N’ Dash?  Man they have good eggs.

What the hell is an even mildly entertaining answer to this question??  “I had hookers for lunch”.  Duh.  Seriously.  I ate at a damn buffet and the best thing about it is that I managed to stay fairly carb free.  Go. Me.  Again, duh with this stupid ass question.  Where IS the bitch who wrote this meme?  Because if I find her I will shake her and beat her and make her know funny.  Damn.

Is fall down the same as falling off the wagon? 

My priest says it doesn’t count if I just think it.  And even the actual planning isn’t so bad.  The waving of the gun crossed the line a little, but so long as I can’t be convicted in a court of law, I should still get into heaven.  Eventually.

I love for money.  No wait, sorry.  That’s not “love”, technically.

I also take checks.

Only me. 

I’ve always been drawn to the idea of dark and light mixing it up.  I’m not sure what that says about me.

For me.

Just after 2 am, but preferably before 3.  By 3 you have bed spins.  Eggs are not good with bed spins.

That’s how I win my fart fights.  I mean, er, no.

I. Hate. Nature.  I. Love. Money.  And Stars. And Beds.  And Doormen who have to call you sweetie if you tip them to.

A breast augmentation.

Fuck yeah.  I could totally work bald.  For money.  Shit.  I’d shave YOUR entire body for $10.

Again - I. Hate. Nature.

Diamonds.

Don’t judge me.  My name has never been up in lights.  For a long period of time.

What do I look like?  Some kind of drunken whore?  I have a HUSBAND.  And KIDS.  Pfft.

Finally.  Something I can add to my List Of Things To Do Before Friday I Die.

Ok seriously, no.  I am a fun drunk.  And a cute drunk.  And maybe, possibly, a “friendly” drunk.  But I am NOT a sloppy ass drunk.

I think it’s a law or something before you can be in someone’s wedding you have to make out ferociously at the bachelorette party.  Man… always a bridesmaid…

Does a bear shit in the woods?  I grew up in a town of 1500 people.  That’s what we do.

If I admit to this then I have to admit to having that one night stand with that guy named Tommy on my spring break to Cancun.  And that would totally erase damn near 8 years worth of careful story telling.

Oh that is fucking RUDE. I did NOT pay $7.50 for you to get it on.  Seriously.  No.  Just. Wrong.  Take it to the bathroom like a normal person.  Sheesh.

Um, er, uh, no.  Why?  Fricking psychic meme.

I’ve been in a store where they sell dildos and porn and freaky shit and adults giggle alot.  Is that the same?

Only you baby, only you.

Caught?  Do some people get chased??  While having SEX?  You are some athletic sons o’ bitches, I swear.

By kissed do you mean randomly accosted some guy in a bar and stuck my tongue down his throat in the hopes of getting free booze?  Cuz, no. 

Oh you have GOT to be kidding me.

I tag no one, because this was the longest most suckiest meme in the entire world EVER.  I also demand that all of you run over to Avi’s blog and tell him that he is the worst meme picker outer EVER.  Right after you go to MySpace and make the most popular bitch on the Internet.

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