First of all, my apologies for that train wreck of a post Avitable put up. My hair looked way better than that when I was in Vegas. Unfortunately, my hair is just about the only thing that worked out on that god forsaken trip. Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.

First I got bumped to a later flight. Then something on the damn plane broke and we were stuck on the tarmac for three fucking hours. Fucking Jet Blue. Passenger’s bill of rights, my ass. “Article I - After three hours, you get an extra packet of peanuts. Article II - Go fuck yourself.”

After approximately 206 days of air travel nightmare, I finally arrived in Vegas only to find my luggage was on its way to Dayton. Nice. I was stuck with only my carry-on. I spent all that time picking two Do Me Now Prince outfits and they were both in Ohio. At least I brought the plastic and there’s no shortage of places to shop in Vegas. But first I had to get to the hotel.

Outside the airport I managed to snag the dumbest taxi driver in history. The guy knew two words in English and kept repeating them constantly.

“Yeah, yeah, ok! Ok, yeah, ok!”

“I said TAKE ME TO THE RIO HOTEL!”

“Ok, yeah, yeah!”

At least he understood the word “stop,” which I had to yell at him after we drove past everything in the city twice. I ended up taking a damn bus to the hotel.

I’m convinced I’m cursed or something. The hotel screwed up my reservation and I ended up in what was probably the smallest, shittiest room in the place. But at least it was clean and the bed was soft, which is all I really need for snaring His Hotness anyway.

The Rio has some great stores on the ground floor, so picking out a new outfit for the concert was pretty painless. But I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t have listened to the sales clerk who told me I look good in this:

Of course, it might have been the vodka that convinced me that outfit was a good idea. In any case, once I bought it, I was stuck with it. And I was going to. Work. It! If I was going to be a pretty, pretty ice princess, I’d be a pretty, pretty ice princess… for Prince! I was going to make him mine. Or take my skate off and stab someone with it. Either or.

When finally the concert arrived, things started going the way I expected. Prince. Was. Incredible. He played all my favorite songs. I thought I was going to die when he played Purple Rain. And I would have been pretty happy with that. It was bliss. Pure bliss.

After the encore it was time for me to make my move. It was time for me to get the Hotness. I was prepared to do whatever I had to. I was ready to throw around Adam and Joe as much as possible. I tightened the laces on my DMS and made my way to the backstage area.

You know, those security guards are really fucking tough. They wouldn’t let me through no matter what I did. I showed Adam and Joe to everyone who glanced in my direction. I even let Marilyn see a little sunlight. But NOOOOO. Those guards weren’t having any of it. I was so desperate for The Hotness I started giving BJs to those fucking guys thinking eventually they’d let me in. Nope. Bastards. I was expecting the night to end with a belly full of Prince, not a belly full of 14 guys with names like Chuck.

But at least they gave me a t-shirt.

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Posted in Dignity Is Overrated - Funny and Embarrassing Stories Tagged: guest bloggers