I have a dilemma. No, really. Up to now I only thought I had problems. I had no idea what true confusion and angst really was.
You see, I live smack dabble in the middle of The Hell Which Hath Frozen Over. There are over 40,000 people here who are STILL without power (well, you know, not HERE, because there’s only 1500 people specifically HERE – but… near here anyway). We had so much ice and snow this past weekend, my driveway is still a black diamond experience at best.
We were all starting to get semi back to normal when the news outlets began reporting another storm on the way. Apparently Hell Hath No Fury Part II is going to be worse than the original. Normally I plan for exactly the opposite of what the local weather team reports, but that really bit me in the ass last time. Literally. I spent an inordinate amount of time ass cheek to ice slab last weekend because of my insistence that HEELS WILL BE FINE, IT IS NOT THAT BAD AND I AM NOT PUTTING ON THOSE GOD FORSAKEN BOOTS, DAMMIT!!
I love my shoes. But I’m also kind of attached to my ass. And it does have an important showing coming up in Vegas, so I think it’s only prudent of me to plan wisely today. Meaning – sensible shoes.
Enter my dilemma. And no, it’s not Oh My God I Have To Go Out In Public In Sensible Shoes. Pfft. Even I am not that vain.
No. You see, with sensible shoes you have to dress a certain way. You can’t do filthy cute jeans and top with sensible shoes. It just draws attention to the fact that you caved on the purpose vs. style debate. No. You have to incorporate the Sensible Shoes into your overall look. A retro t-shirt that fits well, but looks old – it’s entirely possible it was your high school boyfriend’s and OMG your boobs now look FABULOUS in it. Faded jeans that say I just threw these on because I’m down to earth… hot, and down to earth. And of course, a pony tail. A pony tail with itty bitty earrings and just right makeup to keep the balance away from frumpy and more towards “how old are you, again?” chic.
That’s the sensible shoe chic look. And on any other day I would willingly take that on. But today? Today is the day I have my hair fixed because I broke the shit out of it this weekend. Today is the day the very expensive hair guru takes me from bleached out frizz fro to Hot Curls Vixen With Red Or Is That Blond Sex Locks.
Do you see the problem?
You can NOT go into a salon in Sensible Shoes Chic and come out with a good hair style. The secret to getting good results from your stylist has nothing to do with communication and everything to do with presentation. You go in there with Sensible Chic and you’re going to come out with “wash and go to your favorite freaking PTA meeting” hair. Because they know they can. Because they know even their half ass-ed effort is a fat tip inducing step up for you. Sensible Shoes Chic is a blinking neon sign on your chest that says “Don’t Try Too Hard, Cybil Was A Moron, I’m Not Worth It, And I’m Easy To Please”
That. Will. Not. Do. To get Hot Vixen Hair, you must walk in well dressed and perfectly make-up’ed (as in, still looks good under those Godforsaken Lights make-up). And, of course, the crucial piece of the puzzle is an excellent hair day. If you want a good hair style, you’ve got to start with a good hair day. Those bitches with scissors and foil need to KNOW that you mean business. That you’re used to looking good. That if they send you out of there looking anything but luscious there will be hell to pay. It helps to pack your wallet full of pictures of other hot girls that could be your friends and make an excuse to flash said pictures around. Now it’s not just you. It’s you and your band of hot girlfriends who hold their reputation as a stylist in your perfectly manicured hands.
So, I am in a bit of a panic. It is absolutely CRUCIAL that today’s appointment goes well. I am a mere 10 days from my planned meeting with Prince. He can not see me frumpy. Or frizzy. Or bleached. Or too red. Or What The Fuck Did That Bitch Do To Her Hair. I have got to find a way to pull myself together. I have to find a way to incorporate the Sensible Shoe into the Hot Babe With Hot Friends look…
High Heeled Boots totally count as sensible if their high heel is technically a high wedge and they are fur-topped, right?
I mean, really, what says sensible like fur?!?!
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You just wrote an entire post about shoes and your hair. Mist will be proud. I, on the other hand, am aghast.
Actually, I thought your yellow hair could have been salvaged by having a collagen injection to your lips, which would blow them up to porn-star lips (aka DSL), and then you could put on really red lipstick, and you’d look quite hot.
Prince would be all over you. He might try to pay you at the end of the night, but he’d be all over you.
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She’s B-A-A-A-A-C-K!:mrgreen:
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High Heels and fur??:shock:
So what corner you working tonight baby?
I so understand the stylist thing, and you are so very right!
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Sensible shoes to me mean shoes that I bought on sale. Sales are always sensible.
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OMG. This is why I am thrilled I live in the land of no snow, or ice… horribly hot summers, but at least I can escape to the beach then.
(go ahead, call me nasty names now)
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Wear the irresponsible boots. You will feel better if your hair appt goes well, even if you fall on your ass…..Good luck!
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So sorry about that storm. It’s been dumping snow here for the last few days. And I live as seas level in CA. We don’t get snow here normally. Earthquakes.Check.Rain.Check.Mud.Check.
Snow. NO.
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I don’t know what’s more ridiculous: this post or…
I can’t come up with anything else.
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you are so right that you should go into the salon all dolled up! I almost never do and I think that’s part of my problem. I need to tell her – “listen, I know I look like shit now, but when I try or actually have somewhere to go, I can look REALLY good, so don’t go giving me soccer mom hair!!!! Or I’ll cut ya!!”
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Dude.
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Toot, toot. Hey. Beep beep!
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