As strange as it sounds, my blog is my safe place. When I can’t feel comfortable in my own skin, I can feel at home in front a faceless mass of Internet strangers. Maybe it’s easier for me because it’s a very small mass.
This is usually the place where I open myself up - the good, the bad, the selfish, and the indulgent.
And yet I haven’t been honest here. Not lately. Lately there’s been a huge cloud in my life that I haven’t written about. Because it is too personal. Because I don’t want to be judged. Because I don’t want to bore all of my readers into blogline deletion. Because some of you have already heard enough - over and over and over again - and I’m constantly afraid of becoming an obsessively dramatic downer that you have to avoid if you’re going to stay sane yourself. Because I didn’t want to see all of the horrible thoughts in black and white and have to face how wrong I may be.
But I don’t think I can distract myself into discretion anymore. Censoring my outlet seems to be making things worse and I’m left with this strange feeling that I’m not being honest with myself. Or maybe I just need one more freaking place to get it out, in the hopes that it will change something.
March 11th will mark my 7th wedding anniversary. I am fortunate to be married to a wonderful man. He’s generous, and kind, and funny, and in some ways he knows me better than anyone in the world. He would do anything for me if I would just ask.
I know that he loves me the very best he can. And if he could love me better, he would.
And yet lately, I find myself discontent. I find my thoughts consumed with all of the things that he isn’t - things he cannot change because they are fundamental to his personality.
For example… I have always said that we balance each other out. I’m…er… high strung, while he is laid back and even tempered. When I’m flying off the handle, his refusal to follow eventually pulls me back to earth. I’ve always considered this a good thing. Infuriating at times - but definitely a mark in the plus column.
And yet lately, all I can think about is his lack of passion and his inability to get truly emotional about much of anything. I think about the fact that he only cares about the things I tell him to care about, rather than thoughts and ideas and dreams that originate in his own soul.
I think about the fact that while I always get to be in charge - I always have to be in charge.
Saturday night he asked me if there was someone else. I told him there wasn’t. I lied.
While there may not be someone else that I’m actively carrying out some torrid affair with, the idea of someone else haunts me. I’m consumed by the thought that there may be something else out there - something more exciting and daring and passionate. Something, or someone, that takes my breath away. I can close my eyes and feel the way your heart pounds with anticipation when you know something amazing may be about to happen, but you don’t know when…
I want to lose my breath. I want to forget what I should be doing and be engulfed in what I want.
And WHY for the love of GOD am I not feeling that anymore at home?!?!!??!?!!??!?!??!!?! For fuck’s sake I just want this feeling to be gone. I want to go back to my contentedness. I want to push these nagging thoughts so far down that they no longer wake me up in the middle of the night. I need to be able to lie next to my husband without thinking about what else I could want.
I feel like I’m at a crossroads. Go one way and continue to be the kind of woman that I myself can stand to be around. The kind of woman that doesn’t make a big deal out of everything fucking nuance of life. The kind of woman that keeps it together and holds her head up in public. The kind of woman that understands that happiness is a choice, and chooses wisely.
Or… I can become a woman that I can’t stand. A woman that blows up her life over temporary circumstances. The kind of woman that makes life changing decisions over fleeting fancies. The kind of woman that walks away from a good thing, and cannot come up with a single explanation that anyone in the world would understand.
The choice is so freaking obvious. So WHY do I find myself spending my days staring longingly at the road paved with bad intentions, loneliness and eventual heart ache?
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There’s not much I can say that I haven’t already said to you privately. You’re very intelligent, mature, and reasonable, and whatever decisions you make will be the right ones.
February 26th, 2007 at 9:16 am
I think you need to do more for yourself. Maybe it’s not a man that you’re desiring. Perhaps you can fill the void by making changes in yourself and the things you do. If all else fails, maybe a trial separation would help you sort things out.
I know that you don’t want to throw everything away because of a temporary period of unhappiness, but what if you find yourself at age 90 kicking yourself for staying and settling for second best.
Life is too short to settle and wonder “what if”.
February 26th, 2007 at 9:50 am
Getting ready to celebrate my own 7-year anniversary in a few weeks, I can say I know what you’re going through. The proverbial “7-year itch” right?
I think its a phase many of us go through, and maybe looking back on the things that made you fall in love with him in the first place will help. But I can sympathize with the feeling of being stuck in a rut.
Take some time alone to think about things, maybe try to spend some real true quality time with your husband, too. Don’t change who you are, though. Be YOU. No matter what that is.
Granted I don’t know you like some of your more regular readers, but from what I’ve read about you on your blog, you’re very intelligent, and have quite the personality. You’re high-spirited, and maybe what you’re wanting is someone else with the same “fire” as you.
Good luck.
February 26th, 2007 at 10:00 am
Every relationship has it periods of ups and downs, excitement and boring stuff.
It’s as natural as breathing.
Although knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to get through does it?
Hugs babe.
February 26th, 2007 at 10:06 am
I know what it is like to miss the heart-pounding excitement of new love, of adventure, of meeting that person that is everything your current man is not. But I also know that that feeling is so fleeting, so anti-climactic, and in the end, so not worth it. And i can see that you know it too. And there is a big difference from what your head knows to what your heart wants. But let me tell you. The couples that our parents’ generation made, they lasted not because they never felt this way, but because they were patient during these times, they waited out the impulses of the inner child wanting to go out and play. And from what I can tell, that is the way to do it.
I don’t know if you have tried talking to your husband about your feelings, but if he loves you the way he says you do, he will help you get through this time. And while I think Denise’ last sentence is the wrong way to go (personally), I agree very much with the her first paragraph. Maybe try something completely wild (bungee jumping, or skydiving) or try something that inspires your passion (music, or writing). And if your husband wants to be a part of it, try salsa dancing. It’s very ’saucy’ and it’s a great way to be very flirtatious with your husband, and maybe at least bring back the original spark you had 7 years ago. I don’t know if your husband has a creative side (most people do, but I don’t, so I never assume), but if he does, maybe you could sign him up for classes, or a hobby group. It would probably do you both some good to get his juices flowing.
In the end, it’s your decision. But I implore you to try everything else, before you walk away. You can always still walk away if nothing helps, but you may not be able to walk back, if you find it’s not the answer.
February 26th, 2007 at 10:24 am
Wow. I don’t want to tell you things that you already know but I am going to. Marriage takes hard work. You grow together or you grow apart. Seems to me (an outsider with very limited knowledge) that maybe you and your husband need to rediscover each other and stop coexisting in the same home. If he is asking if there is someone else then he is feeling the emptiness in the marriage as well, or the distance from you.
Then again it could just be the seven year itch. Whatever it is you need to find a way to reconnect. Have some take the kid and spend a weekend playing, chasing each other naked through the house and not worrying about what bills are due and what needs to be done.
I am sorry you have to go through this, but every one does at one point or another.
February 26th, 2007 at 10:29 am
*BIG HUGS*
I don’t have any witty insights as I’ve been there myself, a few years ago…
I’m only an email away, girl.
February 26th, 2007 at 10:53 am
I’ve been married 10 year now and while I realize it’s no huge milestone I can say I have been at the same place you are. For us, my DH and I, we went through it at about the same time. We both found what we were looking for wasn’t another person. He found an outlet by changing jobs to one where he might advance. I, um, shoot, can’t remember what I found at the time. It’s obviously changed since then.
I would have to say that it’s pretty normal to feel this way.
Hugs. And like others have said, I’m here if you need to talk.
February 26th, 2007 at 11:08 am
You should probably block me from posts like this. I am completely worthless when it comes to love stuff. Wanna get drunk and shop for shoes with me?
February 26th, 2007 at 11:31 am
You already know my thoughts on this. I love you and more than anything I want you to be happy AND content… there’s a difference in being content and being HAPPY AND content, you know.
You are a brilliant woman and you need to listen to you, not convince yourself that you are some horrid, selfish person. That’s the sort of thing that drove the women before us to valium and alcohol. Not that those are bad things…
February 26th, 2007 at 11:36 am
Well, I don’t know you and you don’t really know me. I’m going to tell you something that’s usually considered really controversial and the “wrong” thing to say.
Don’t be afraid to let this end, if that’s what needs to happen.
It’s really easy to make excuses to stay in an unhappy situation. “Think of the children.” “I don’t want to be a failure.” “There’s something wrong with ME, and I can change it.”
People grow apart. What was what you needed and wanted, or thought you did a decade ago isn’t likely to be the same things you need and want now.
You think you’re torn over being one of two types of women, but that’s really not the case. I’d recommend really looking at what’s going on. Someone suggested taking classes or something like that, I suggest taking a vacation and getting away from your marriage and your kids for a couple of days. If you come home and it’s just as bad or worse within a week, then there’s a serious problem there.
You don’t have to leave everything behind. You don’t have to give up entirely, but if you’re not happy, sticking it out isn’t going to make it better for anyone. You may need counseling, you may need a trial separation, yes, you may decide that the big D is the best plan, but the place to start is to find out HOW REAL your discontent feelings are.
He asked you if there was someone else… he knows at least as well as you do that there is something seriously not right with the relationship. Figure it out - together - before you have to figure everything out on your own.
February 26th, 2007 at 12:02 pm
Take a good look at where you are now. On the walls of life, you’ll find graffiti reading “Joe was here.” It’s over there… on the left… right between “For tranny fun call…” and that doodle of Avitable taking two men at once.
I know it sucks where you are now, but take heart in knowing that however this ends you’ll have learned a little about life and a lot about yourself.
February 26th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
One of those men was you, Joe, and don’t forget it. The other was just Britt with a strap-on and a fake beard.
February 26th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
avitable: I know, when you got here this morning didn’t you go “shit, STILL, again?!?! I have to deal with this shit on her blog too?!?!?!”
Denise: I keep wondering about that… about me at 90.
Blonde Chick: yep, “fire”, exactly
And 7 year itch, you know that thought JUST occured to me
J.: no, it doesn’t, especially for an “in the moment” gal like myself
Allyson: you definitely have a valid point about fleeting vs. forever…
debkitty: I know, and I would do the work - if someone would just tell me what the directions were! :-)
Tracy: thanks doll… an email may be in order, because i’d love to hear how things “ended up” a few years ago for you
Fogspinner I WISH my husband had some creative outlet that wasn’t tied to me…
maybe I should find another way to encourage that
Mist 1: WTF, your advice seems dead on with how I’ve been coping. Booze and shoes. And the hottest pair of pants ever. And technically, four pairs of shoes. And two pairs of pants. And some new accessories. And a handful of shirts…
AmyD: I <3 you too
FyreGoddess: thank you, for being willing to stick your neck out there and offer me that advice… and alot of what you said makes REALLY good sense too. Some of the thoughts you’ve described… I could have written myself.
Joefish: wow, what a poetic, touching way to say “been there”. I hope I come out on the other side as cool as you.
avitable: I don’t. do. strap ons. I’m tired of wearing the penis.
February 26th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
Be true to yourself Britt….
February 26th, 2007 at 2:12 pm
So you don’t do strap ons. Do you do fake beards?
February 26th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
No, I’d never begrudge you the chance to vent. And you didn’t seem tired of wearing the penis last night!
February 26th, 2007 at 3:44 pm
Perhaps a strap-on is the solution here?
:razz:
February 26th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
First of all, I’m not sane, so there’s no threat there.
In your description about your husband? You just described Tarzan, too. I wonder if your emotions are like a rollercoaster & your husband is like a straight line; they do balance each other out. Plus in reality, it most likely wouldn’t be healthy (in your marriage) for him to follow emotionally.
Something for thought: The thing that first attracted us is often times the thing that most annoys us later.
I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. All the negative things you say, aren’t there. It doesn’t matter what you reveal about yourself; I’m not going away.
February 26th, 2007 at 5:46 pm
I just had my 10 anniversary and I’m feeling the same way. Not happy. Lonely. Missing something. But sad for feeling that way.
Email me because we have a lot we could talk about here.
February 26th, 2007 at 6:24 pm
I know exactly what you mean about your blog. I recently wrote a post about how I felt like I couldn’t use my blog as my place to vent because I felt like people might judge me. I decided that my blog is for me to be myself…even the ugly and selfish parts of myself. I hope you’re back to using your blog that way!
As for the feelings you’re having…I can’t offer any help. I’m single but I hope things work themselves out soon.
February 26th, 2007 at 7:25 pm
themuttprincess: a constant effort to that direction…
Joefish: ummmm… no, no fake beards either
Freaks.
Avi: don’t make me cut you off.
Dave2: well, um, kinda :-)
jane: you are so right about the balance, I KNOW that… somewhere.
And I, too, wish I could see me through your eyes. The view always seems so much better!
XOXOXO and HUGE hugs janie, thank you
Heather: you’ve got mail
or at least.. you will… soon
steffany: yeah, it’s funny how we let the audience dictate the show, isn’t it?
February 26th, 2007 at 10:28 pm
Just a quick note to let you know that Battle of the Blogs has started. Round One will last until Sunday evening.
Leesa (http://dsmoya31410.blogspot.com)
February 27th, 2007 at 8:54 am
To many of my friends’ surprise, I’ve nearly made it to year 16. what the hell? how did that happen?
That you may experience the 7-year itch is, I think, natural. It’s a protective mode magnified by today’s society and expectations. “Never settle for 2nd best.” Too much of that probably. But have you really settled for 2nd best? What drew you together in the first place? Were you friends or just lustful lovers? Re-examine the string that bound you in the first place.
The husband sounds like he’s an okay guy. Sounds like he’s trying to get along with his chosen mate. Is that mutual? Does he cat around? Do you?
Or is what you feel just your natural protective system? Is it over-reacting or is there a real threat which you must flee?
Years 6 - 8 are tough for most marriages. Look at the upside before you engage in the downside. The Internet creates illusions. Don’t allow an illusion to suck you into something which you will later regret, perhaps regret for the rest of your life.
February 27th, 2007 at 11:49 am
Weird: I got two of your posts at once in my RSS reader. I don’t know how to comment on this, except to say that almost all of us have similar feelings from time to time. When I’ve had them, they’ve been mostly fear-based. That’s NOT a comment on yours, though.
February 27th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
Miss Britt - you are an amazing woman. There are so many out there who don’t recognize this for what it is and make those rash decisions on temporary issues. Whatever happens, you will come out of this and you will be fine.
February 27th, 2007 at 9:29 pm
Miss Britt, don’t think I’ve ever commented here before, but I wanted to say that I respect the honesty of this post. I’ve got no advice for you other than that I sometimes feel better just getting things out there. I hope you find some ease in whatever you decide.
I know exactly what you mean about the idea of someone else, even if there isn’t someone in mind at the moment.
February 27th, 2007 at 10:31 pm
Ok, so this is a very old post, I realise that…but I am new and have just read it for the first time.
First, I love your blog. You crack me up and have the same twisted sense of humour that I do. Keep on keepin’ on, sunshine.
Second, I cannot even begin to tell you how much I identified with this post. EVERY.single.word of it. The 7 year itch, the hubby, the lack o’ sumthin’-sumthin’…everything.
Our hubbies must be related somehow…or maybe men like ours are drawn to women like us. Hmmmmm. Perhaps they should start a little support group.
In the meantime, you keep your chin up and I’ll keep up mine. Oh, and a little bit of liquor helps. ;)
November 25th, 2007 at 4:20 pm