Sometimes I look around at my life -
Kids
Husband
House
Cars
Job
Cat
Church
- and it’s all so unbelievably perfect, I can’t help but wonder “How did this happen?”
Sometimes this life of mine far exceeds my dreams.
And yet, sometimes, I look around at my life-
Kids
Husband
Work
Volunteer
all in the same 1500 people town I grew up in
- and it’s all so neat and tidy and molded, I want to throw up. And I can’t help but wonder, “how in the fuck did I end up here?”
Sometimes I wonder, what happened to all of my dreams?
It’s no secret that my life has not turned out the way I’d planned - or hoped. No degree in a field I’m passionate about. No traveling more than once every three years. No adventure. No excitement. No challenge.
No… me.
And yet, I’ve gotten very good at contentment. Most days I wake up, take a look around, and I’m grateful for the life I’ve been given. I remind myself that it could have been worse. I soothe myself with the joys of motherhood.
And most days, I can block out the rest.
But sometimes…. sometimes the content turns to contempt. Sometimes old dreams roar louder in the back of my mind. Sometimes the purely selfish urges that were all of my lost hopes and plans come racing to the forefront and I no longer want to lead an admirable life that would make my children and my grandmother proud. I want to break out of this fairy tale ending that I find myself trapped inside.
I want to lead MY life. MY dreams. MY fantasies. MY needs.
Just… you know… sometimes.
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You know Britt I don’t think I could have said that better myself. I was just thinking about all the things I had wanted to do and never have done yesterday…Glad to know I am not alone in my feelings, thanks for letting me know that!:lol:
February 19th, 2007 at 9:46 am
Feelings like that keep me frightened single. Not that the men are knocking down my door, but you know, I could be in your shoes if that had been my goal. (I would have strangled either of my long term relationships by now.) Now I sometimes think that it would be a cool adventure to be married with kids. But I don’t ever want to wish I had done something else with my life. Then again, I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life either.
I guess the grass is always greener.
February 19th, 2007 at 10:46 am
When I look around, I decide that I really should clean something. Then I have a drink and call my therapist. It helps.
February 19th, 2007 at 10:53 am
Everybody goes through some version of this now and then. Sometimes I look around and ask myself “Wasn’t I supposed to be a rock star by now? Or running for my third term in the House? Nobel prize winner or something?”
February 19th, 2007 at 11:36 am
The thing is that when you have kids exceptionally young, all you have are those dreams and distant goals and you didn’t get the satisfaction of seeing if you were the kind of person who had the will to see them through or not.
I realized the other day that I have been someone’s mother for more than half of my life now.
I wouldn’t want it any other way, I love my children (just as you do yours) but there are times when I what sort of things I might have done differently.
February 19th, 2007 at 11:57 am
A. See Valentine’s post
B. Remember how lucky you are
C. Remember you didn’t turn out all that bad
D. Think of the awesome people you never would have met:)
February 19th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
You know what you need? A passionate affair with someone who lives far away and is very hairy.
Or just a trip to Vegas to see Prince. That might work.
February 19th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
sounds all too familiar… just know you’re not alone, and yes… it could be worse!
February 19th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
debkitty: I can always be counted on to share an insecurity!
ginamonster: yeah, i need astro turf :-D
Mist 1: so you’re telling me i should drink more?
Joefish: thanks Joe
AmyD: I <3 you you know
Paco: Jesse, I love you, but I hate it when you try to give me marital advice. Really. It’s like the priest giving me advice on my sex life.
avitable: I was thinking the same thing.
tori: thanks, doll!!
February 19th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
I know the feeling. That feeling is why I’m back in school.
February 19th, 2007 at 4:57 pm
I totally hear you. Glad your life is good though. The coulda beens can waste an entire afternoon… better to just enjoy today.
February 19th, 2007 at 5:35 pm
I’m all about cheering you up and shit.
February 20th, 2007 at 12:33 am
It would be wonderful to live in a town of 1500…shit, we have that in our condo complex! I’m totally jealous of you having a hometown that is really your HOMEtown.
February 22nd, 2007 at 6:39 pm