In case you’ve missed the incessant whining and bitching and ”woe is me my life is too perfect” around here lately, allow me to bring you up to speed: I’ve been having a shitty week or two. But I swear, that is NOT what THIS post is about.
No, really, I promise. Stick around, stay a while, I promise not to leave mascara stains on your shoulders today.
Instead, what I’ve been thinking about is how all of you - or at least, a ton of you - have responded to me over the last week. In fact, I’ve been thinking about how many of you have responded to my regular ups and downs and ins and outs of every day life over the last… mmm… year or so.
You’ve been amazing. Really. Absolutely extraordinary and unexpected. I have been truly moved at the depth of compassion and concern that complete strangers have been able to share with another, well, complete stranger. It boggles the mind - especially a habitually cynical and guarded mind such as mine.
And it has gotten me thinking… why is it we can experience a depth of relationship online that many of us miss in “real life”? It’s not that I don’t have real relationships offline - excellent relationships even. But this most recent turmoil in my marriage was something that I only described with my online, out of town friends. And while a precious few of those people are much, much more than mere “online friends” - I have never sat across a kitchen table from them.
As I was wading through a lot of this recent muck, I found myself thinking that the only place that I could go and feel safe was online. One of the few, and first, places that I felt like I could really unload all of my fears was on this blog. And so, naturally, my strongest sources of support came from many of you.
Why is that? How strange is that? Could it really be something as simple and as sad as the people in our “real life” not being able to understand us the same way? An inability to “get us” the same way strangers miles and worlds away can??
It occurs to me that maybe we don’t give the people in our lives the same chance to be spectacular that we give The Internet. Because ultimately, they hold the greatest power of Rejection.
When I told Amy about my recent bouts with self loathing, I did it via IM. And while I was worried about her reaction and feared her opinions of me would change, ultimately I had the safety of the monitor between us. I wouldn’t have to see the disappointment in her face. Hell, I wouldn’t even hear the judgement in her voice. I was able to open up and unload in an almost risk-free zone.
We don’t have that cushion in real life. We have to live with the consequences of disappointing those who have emotional investments in our happiness, or lack there of. Once we put ourselves out there with our offline friends and family, it is much more difficult to log off or x out or stop reading emails…
We are free to be who we “really” are, or at least, who we want to be, online - because it has all the attraction of a trial run. If you don’t like it we simply fade away, change screen names, and try again. Or, at least, we know on some level we have that option.
ANYWAY, my point is - I wonder how extraordinary the rest of the people in our lives could be if we could give them the same chance. I wonder if our high school friends would understand restlessness more than we realize. I wonder if our neighbors would be relieved to know about our secret fears and fantasies.
I wonder, if our next extraordinary response is closer than we think.
Edited to add: this wasn’t meant to be a slam to those of you who are my friends in “real life” and also read this blog. Especially Kristin, who is the one and only person in my “real life” who knows ALL of the sordid details of just about everything.
RSS Subscribe
I’m totally with you - most of my better friends are online, and I speak to more people internationally than I do locally. Why? I find I relate better to people when i am not being an idiot trying to form a coherent sentance. I’ve never been anonymous online, and while the “Online Me” is a lot chattier, I am pretty much the same person as the “Real Life” me. I can be painfully shy out and about - even talking to people I know - but online, here I am posting on a strangers blog after clicking through links and other peoples friend lists.
I am sooo thankful for all my online friends - we seem to relate to one another better for one! I also think you’re right with the rejection thing - I can say something online and not worry if someone reads it, sighs then rolls their eyes, whereas in real life, if I said the same thing and someone did that, well… Yuck :)
Hope you manage to sort through everything that’s going on at the moment!
February 28th, 2007 at 2:59 am
Even those of us who have been relatively quiet around here are supporting you, too.
I’ve said it before that sometimes the best way to have a serious conversation with someone is to do it via IM or other online method since it’s easier for me to compose my thoughts and keeps my voice from raising and my frustration from becoming evident by body language.
It’s funny. My boyfriend and I often have IM conversations when we’re sitting in the same room less than 8 feet from each other.
I do think you’re right on the money when you say that we don’t give the people who are close to us the same chance because of the high risk of rejection. It’s easier with faceless people online because if they suddenly get a bad impression of you and stop talking, what have you lost that you can’t replace by finding a different chat room? Not the case with your family, significant others, or spouse.
Thinking of you…
February 28th, 2007 at 6:58 am
I agree with all you’ve said and the previous 2 comments. I’d like to add that online friendships afford an immediacy that you don’t get get in real life. Think about it, you write, we comment and hopefully instant gratification. In real life there are those damn pregnant pauses that take time to decipher.
In any case, as you’ve seen, we are here for you through the good, the bad and everything in between.
February 28th, 2007 at 7:06 am
Many time, friends from your offline life are friends of circumstance - you grew up together, you live in the same area, etc. If you were to assess those people based purely on their personality and think about how much you would talk to them if they lived away from you, I think you’d eliminate a high percentage of them. I know I would, with my own friends.
But when you’re talking to someone online, you have nothing else to go on other than their personality, so the relationships forged can be much stronger.
And then there are the guys who just want to see you naked.
February 28th, 2007 at 7:31 am
Where am I in this blog?!
I am always here for you. And, we both know I have NO BUSINESS judging you! Love ya
February 28th, 2007 at 8:50 am
That was very well put. It really is amazing the kind of support you get from people online. And some of the friendships I’ve formed online are so much stronger than those in real life.
February 28th, 2007 at 9:56 am
You went to deep for me this morning. I agree with all you said, It is just deep this morning. I like you when you show your warts and I know your life isn’t as picture perfect as I make it for you in my mind. Your warts give you character and make you real and let me know that it is okay to have warts.
In offline relationships we worry about holding things together for appearances and we are horrified to show are warts incase we are judged. I like warts. I am glad you have a few, means we could really be friends!:razz:
February 28th, 2007 at 10:04 am
I agree with Avi (except I don’t have a need to see you naked — he’s a beast!:lol:). I’ve lived in a lot of places and had to do my best to “fit in”. I’ve honestly been relieved to have to relocate… more than a few times. I have a difficult time telling people who are mostly good and kind that I don’t want to be around them. I think that must be a “girl” issue. If it’s an online blog, I can just “unsubscribe” and that is that, and I don’t think anyone is hurt by it. Are they?
My husband and I will be married 29 years April 1. Marriage is wonderful, and I think that my husband is a SAINT for putting up with me. However, there are times when one partner needs more excitement than the other. THOSE are the most difficult times……..or the times when one is feeling vulnerable and threatened.
I’ve not read any of the comments on your blog except for today’s. I think you’re doing the right thing by “talking” about these issues here. Really, it’s no different than paying some butthead $200/hour for “therapy”.
This is my first comment on your blog, but honestly, I hope you’ll hang in there and do what you know is right in your heart. I think you’ll need to have a sit-down with your beloved. I’m just sayin’. I only wish you the best.
February 28th, 2007 at 10:27 am
Well said. What did I do before IM?
February 28th, 2007 at 11:09 am
No comment
February 28th, 2007 at 11:33 am
That kind of thing rarely happens. It takes something really big to get people to leave their emotional comfort zone, especially when you’re talking about the really real world where we don’t have that buffer of pseudo-anonymity.
February 28th, 2007 at 11:42 am
I might have a little bit of a different spin. While I agree with everything said here, my thoughts differ in one respect.
I think that it is entirely possible to have wonderful relationships “in real life” (although, I dislike this term, I certainly do not consider you guys to be a fantasy)- but there is something to be said about, “you can pick your nose, pick your seat, but you can’t pick your family.”
I see online relationships as a way of choosing your friends. Sometimes you have to go outside the immediate “neighborhood” to find people you can really relate to and truly have something in common with.
February 28th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
I don’t think that withholding the “truth” from real life friends is an attempt to stop them from being disappointed in us.
I think we don’t do it because we don’t want them to disappoint us with either what we would deem as their inappropriate or apathetic response to our true feelings.
I know that every time I have expressed trueness to someone in my life, I was the one who was disappointed in their response… not them in me being honest.
Oh… and yeah… I’m with Avi on one thing… I want to see you naked too.
Then again… I just like naked people in general.
February 28th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
I think you’re absolutely right. I have some wonderful friends online, but its simply because I can say what I want to say on my blog, and i don’t give a f**k what people think. I’m one of those people that hate confrontation in person, but I can write a wicked f**king email if someone really pissed me off… just how I am. So the people that are drawn towards my REAL feelings are going to keep coming back, hence the strong friendships.
Plus, I think a lot of it has to do with appearances. Whether we admit it or not, I think we subconsciously choose our friends based on appearances. When you don’t have that to fall back on while online, you rely on personality alone, and hell– even the fake avatar or graphic someone uses on their template to represent themselves.
February 28th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Good post, MB. I also find that some of my favorite friends are ones I’ve never met, but you’re the one that has made me think about WHY.
I think Blonde Chick touched on it. Online, we can present ourselves as we wish. Let’s not pretend that we don’t hold anything back- we all do. Thus, the people we know online judge us only on the information that we present.
In person, however, we’re judged not just on what we say, but our tone, what we do, how we look, what our cars and homes look like, our annoying mannerisms, that thing hanging from the nose, etc. There is a lot more to making a friend in person. Online, people see who we want to be. In person, people see who we really are in ways we may not even know ourselves.
February 28th, 2007 at 5:22 pm
Wow, you all are out in full force today…
Dan: thanks for stopping by, do pop in again.
Jester: you don’t have to be the loudest to be supportive, thank you. :-) Maybe the Husband and I should try the IM approach.
Wicked H: I AM an instant gratification kind of girl. Plus, feedback. I mean - you only notice the feedback you GET online… not the people who ignore you.
avitable: friends of circumstance - excellent point
ohiowagirl: you are in every dirty secret that I can’t even tell here ;-)
Heather: thanks ;-)
debkitty: oh honey, believe me, I have way more than my fair share of warts
Geeky Tai-Tai: thanks for the visit, comment and well wishes!
Mist 1: You IM? Are you theMistOne by any chance? (add note to stalker booklet…)
Jesse: awwwwww… you know i love you too ;-)
Joefish: *sigh* you’re such a realist Joe
AmyD: I know, I hate online vs. real life - because you are definitely REAL to me. Absolutely. We need to coin a new term.
NYC Watchdog: you all do know I’ve had two kids, right? and that seeing me naked would probably be another one of those times when you end up seriously disappointed.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Blonde Chick: I never even thought of the appearance side. But then, all my friends think I’m hot. :twisted:
Joe theTroll: yeah, it’s always interesting to me the parts we CHOOSE to display…
February 28th, 2007 at 9:40 pm
Well, you know me. Soul of a poet, heart of a jackass.
February 28th, 2007 at 11:34 pm
I gotta tell ya, I hate people in real life. You would never have guessed that, I’m sure.
I like the “blog” world better. People are free to write what they want on their blog (except those who real life friends read stuff - then you need to hide out or something), but you know what I mean.
I think for the most part people are more honest online than the “real” people. If on the off chance that you meet an online friend (which I have met 3 in all my years online) it’s different. I rarely talk to any of the 3 I’ve met. Go figure.
So yeah, I’ve rambled in your comments. Sorry.
Just wanted you to know that I understand what you are saying.
March 1st, 2007 at 2:04 pm
Well, I have friends in real life that get a lot more of me than the net gets.
And trust me, the net is not a ’safe place’ to unload. And it’s extremely easy to “hear” a net person’s disdain and judgement. I think I show it very well.
I’m with you on the weirdness of building real relationships with people we’ve never met. It’s awesome and scary at the same time.
I’m not with you on the ’safe to open up’ part or the better friends part. My best friend knows more about me than any net person will ever know and it’s the disappointment, love, annoyances, little things that keep us real with ‘life friends.’ It’s where we get our best advice and a real look into who we are and what makes us lovable…and what makes us not that you get from a rel life friend.
I don’t fear the rejection of net people, but I don’t fear rejection from anyone but my husband. To me, rejection is a part of life. Not everyone will love me as much as I love me…not everyone will hate me as much as I hate me. I’m the one who rejects me most.
I used to think the net was a safe place…a fucked up place because people fucking lie a lot…but safe enough. It’s not and believing that is gonna bite you on the ass someday.
I still think if I had my time back, I would never have been so trusting, never given anyone my name, address and phone number. And for as many ‘net’ friends that I love dearly, I still wish I had never done any of that.
Disappearing is impossible. Someboy WILL recognise your writting style eventually.
I’ve become bitter and jaded…but I still can’t help having a misplaced trust issue. And ya know, people might say being trusting is a good thing. I think it’s one of my very bad qualities and I’m trying very hard to get past it.
Oh and as to what Tracy said? Nobody is more honest online. We get to pick and choose what we talk about, it’s not known the same way it is to people you know in real life. I wouldn’t call it lying by omission since we don’t owe the world our entire life story.. We are not more honest we’re more guarded.
March 5th, 2007 at 3:32 pm