To My Friend,
You and I have never met face to face. It seems presumptuous of me to offer any kind of “advice” or “help”. Especially knowing that I will probably never be close enough to provide as much as a hug.
But I worry about you. I worry because it seems that you are fighting a battle I’ve seen before - up close and personal, in another life, a long time ago. It seems, from this distance, that you are struggling so hard to fight The Good Fight. All in the name of remaining “A Good Christian Wife”.
Please hear me when I tell you that A Good Christian Wife does not have to be a martyr.
Yes, it is noble to struggle for your faith. Yes, as Christians, we often hear about “taking up our own cross”. But marriage? That was not given to us as a cross. It was given to us as a gift - something to bring joy and love and hope and happiness. It is for that reason that you leave your mother and your father and cling to him. For joy. And for hope.
Yes, we must take the good with the bad. Marriage is no bed of roses. Or rather, it’s no bed of tulips - but more like roses. With thorns that can prick the hell out of you when you least expect it. In good times and in bad, in sickness and in health - right?
But that’s a promise. A covenant.
A TWO WAY FREAKING COVENANT!
One person alone does not a covenant make, my friend.
Please understand, I am Pro family and Pro marriage. I would never in a million years be one of those women espousing “leave his ass, girl *snap*” over a round of margaritas. (Not that I am opposed to a good vent session over three pitchers of margaritas.)
But it absolutely kills me to watch women torture themselves, and let themselves continue to be victims, because they are trying really, really hard to just do the right thing. Because some men and some pastors will tell them that being A Good Christian Wife means never leaving, never saying no, never saying - enough.
Bullshit. Bull. Shit.
Look, I know I am not a shining example of the good submissive wife. I know. But believe me when I tell you that there is absolutely no way that this version of A Good Christian Wife is what you want your daughters to aspire to. How can you teach them to value themselves as creations of God, if you cannot first value and protect yourself?
Yes, A Good Christian Wife stays. And she fights. And she holds on to her marriage and her family as hard as she can, with bruises on her knees from praying so damn hard. She does her absolute damnedest to hold up her end of the promise.
And when she wakes up one day - every day - and finds that she is holding on all by herself, and that the other end of the ties that bind have been let go… she lets go. She walks away to save herself. She walks away to save her children. She walks away to save the sanctity of what marriage and family is meant to be.
And she is STILL A Good Christian Woman.
Please understand that whether you - or any woman - walks away from a man… that is always her choice. Understand that I get that, and I would never condemn or condone the personal decisions a woman makes for her own family in good faith. I just wanted you to know…. needed you to hear… that you can let go of the struggle and the pain, and hold on to your faith.
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Posted in On A Serious Note, This Will Piss Someone Off, all in the family
I’ve had discussions about this that actually got me banned from Christianforums.com. It’s unfortunate how some people don’t understand that love and marriage is a two-way street. If it’s one way, it’s not love and it’s not a marriage.
Good advice Britt.
That was very well written and very strong. I found it quite moving and I so could have used reading that two years ago when I was leaving my ex.
Well said. There are a lot of women out there who should read this.
Great post. I’m with ya on this one.
Hope whomever you were writing it for takes it to heart.
avitable: Yeah, but it’s hard and SO unfair, it’s hard to accept. I was just telling Amy - it’s like trying to play Monopoly with Scrabble rules or something.
J.: Thanks sweetie
debkitty: Wow. Thank you. That means a lot.
AmyD: Unfortunately, that’s probably true
Blonde Chick: Thanks, and so do I.
I agree with you and I’m not even a Christian.:smile:
I feel a little silly commenting on this, since I’m not married and have only had one boyfriend (now my ex) my entire life, but this post really meant a lot to me. I stayed in an unhealthy relationship for 4 years because I thought putting up with the things he did was a necessary sacrifice, and that expecting any better was being too idealistic. This was an amazingly articulate reminder that being a Christian wife/girlfriend/mate does not mean “never leaving, never saying no, never saying - enough.” If you don’t mind, I’d like to print this out for myself (with the source of course) and for my sister when she gets older.
Damn, dude. Well said.
I’m not a Christian, so I have always played by the rules you laid out, or something similar.
As a husband of nearly 30 years, I’d just like to say: Damn, that’s well-said and well-written.
Your words were not wasted.
Amazing the places where courage and inspiration can be found.
You are some amazing woman.
Wow I really thought you were talking to me. I love my husband but it does seem that I am always trying to change him and he does change for a moment then returns back the way he is used to. Now I just let him be himself and thats no good because I met him in church and thought thats what he wanted and that was his calling. Still hoping it is but getting tired.