I’m in a bad fucking mood. Can you tell? No? Keep reading.
If you’re the type to get offended by over usage of the word “fuck” - leave now. If you’re the type to sit on your high fucking horse and proclaim that swearing is a sign of a poor vocabulary… come on, sit next to me, and I promise I will make you fucking cry. K?
I don’t know what my problem is. I really don’t. For like two weeks I’ve been scattered and distracted and - just. not. right. And no, I don’t have PMS. And I’m not pregnant - fuck you very much.
I can’t get shit done at work. I can’t get shit done at home. I managed to get my cafepress store up and running with a whopping ONE fucking design up. I need to do a whole shit ton more work to it, but I just can’t seem to stomach it right now. (That being said, feel free to go buy my bad vibes there.)
I got my new laptop, but I can’t even remember right now what the fuck I wanted it for and for the past few nights it just sits there, staring at me, taunting me to remember what the hell I wanted it so badly for. Whatever it was probably requires some kind of attention and focus - which I’m sure is where the problem lies.
Work sucks. Why? Because it’s fucking January and January always sucks in this business and yet my phone is ringing off the hook with people “thinking about” doing something with me. Wanna know what I’m at for January? A big fat fucking ZERO. Wanna know how much I care? A big fat fucking ZERO. That’s not like me, to not care. But I just can’t muster it right now.
So FOAD to me. You scatter brained fucking waste of potential. Seriously.
And… FOAD to my husband. Jack. Ass. Do you know WHY I paid the nanny an extra $50 to CLEAN (not pick up, fucker) the house? $50 that I managed to figure out a way to make a tax write off?!??! BECAUSE WE DON’T HAVE TIME!!! That’s right, dumb ass, right now we have more money than time. You know how I know that???! Because I keep track of the fucking money - AND because I am the one who does the major cleaning. Oh, sure, you help out - when I point out that “hello!! I’ve been cleaning for two fucking hours… could you pitch in now? Thanks.”
And your stupid fucking reasoning about not wanting to pay someone to “do what I can do in a half hour” (ass HOLE it takes WAY more than a half an hour just to scrub all the damn toilets!!) until the house is finished being “fixed up”? Yeah, dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
Are you telling me that for the next - oh, I don’t know, two fucking years or so?? - that it’s going to take to get this place all “done”… you don’t think the bathrooms still need to be cleaned? Or the floors vacuumed? Or the furniture dusted? Yeah. Good fucking luck with that, moron.
But hey, I LOVE your solution. You go ahead and just “do it myself then” because “it’s not a big fucking deal.” Uh huh. Have fun with that. And when you realize that you’re spending every spare minute you have just trying to “keep up” as opposed to “fix up” - let me know.
Do not treat me like I’m some spoiled, lazy, frivolous diva. I work my ASS off (usually). I wake up and hit the fucking ground RUNNING - and I keep running all damn day. I walk in the door at night and immediately start the dinner/clean up/bath time/squeez in QT/bed time ritual. I collapse into bed fucking exhausted. My nights and weekends are jammed packed with obligations and events and blah fucking blah.
And I am VERY good with our money, thank you very fucking much. Frugal is my middle fucking name. I don’t see you complaining about me getting stuff on sale when I bring YOU home a new pair of jeans for 3 fucking dollars - do I? No. I don’t. Nothing I fucking own cost me more than $20 - head to fucking toe.
Stomp around like YOU’RE pissed. Go ahead. Bring. it. on.
Oh - and if I get fat again because I’m too fucking tired from EVERYTHING to drag my ass out of bed at 5 in the fucking morning to go to the gym? I’m gonna blame you. I swear I am. And whether that’s fair or right or responsible… I really don’t care right now.
Whew. Sorry, dear readers. Go some place and take a happy bath. You probably need to wash the venom out of your hair.
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I was racking my brain trying to come up with something to cheer you up. I couldn’t. Give me a call if you want to chat and spew venom. I can take it, and you’ll feel better.
Ooh! Here’s a picture of Prince:
Oh, and here’s a limerick:
There once was a chick named Britt
I kept asking her to show her tits
If she goes and gets drunk
She might show me her badonkadunk
So I hope she enjoys my wit.
January 5th, 2007 at 11:42 am
Damn!
Here’s the picture of Prince.
Prince
January 5th, 2007 at 11:42 am
what blows my mind is how guys are completely oblivious to what needs cleaning up. the floors could be covered in crud and cat hair and the sinks covered in toothpaste suds and sticky substances and my husband doesn’t even NOTICE. so I do all the cleaning. drives me BONKERS. but I guess that’s my own rant; huh??
January 5th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
Avi - ooh that’s prince from the old days too. Nice.
The limerick DID indeed make me chuckle. :mrgreen:
January 5th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
You know what I think about it already. It’s bullshit. Nothing more, nothing less. Little boys and their pathetic insecurities.
Feel free to spew venom in my direction any time, babe, I’m here for you.
January 5th, 2007 at 12:31 pm
:shock: The end of the world is here… Britt’s FOADing.
I do love it though… and I think the $50 is a STEAL for the nanny. I say charge him $75 an hour and see what he says.
January 5th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
Bah. Men don’t have a clue. ClueLESS.
My husband thinks the fairies come and clean. It’s a running joke around here.
Yeah, hardiharhar. I’m not laughing.
BUT .. I did see a cute sign while out shopping this Christmas. It said “Don’t piss off the fairies”. I bought that sucker quicker than you could clean a toilet baby.
My new word for the week … badonkadunk.
Thanks Avi :mrgreen:
January 5th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
Has your day improved?
Here’s another limerick. It’s an oldie but a goodie:
There once was a man from Nantucket.
His dick was so long he could suck it.
While wiping his chin,
He said with a grin,
“If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!”
January 5th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
Avi: LOL, improving with each limerick - and lvl passed. ;-)
J: That is hysterical!! We have a joke around here about the fairies too. When my husband and I first got married I said…
“you how at home you would get out of the shower, dry off, drop the towel on the floor and go on about your day… and then the next morning, you’d get out of the shower and BAM - there would be a nice, clean, warm towel waiting for you?
Yeah, the towel fairy didn’t move out with you. She stayed at your mom’s. Along with the laundry fairy.”
Maybe it’s time we talked about the fucking toilet fairy too. AND i want that sign to hang in my bathrooms. Both of them. Right over the toilets.
January 5th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
There was a gorilla named Avitable,
He thought his dance moves were watchable,
He danced up a storm,
Causing shrieks of alarm,
And his subsequent death was inevitable.
January 5th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
Spewing, get your venom spewing here.
Please tell me you felt just a tiny bit better after all that. If not, I got me some peeps, you just say the word!
January 5th, 2007 at 5:43 pm
Tell me how you really f*cking feel.
January 5th, 2007 at 6:52 pm
are you a cancer by chance?
January 5th, 2007 at 7:20 pm
Sounds like a Sagittarius to me
I love that picture of Prince, too. He’s my hero. I can’t wait for the Superbowl :razz:
January 7th, 2007 at 12:11 am
this is completely unrelated BUT thank you for blogging about that Maybelline Superstay lipcolor…I bought some and you’re right! it fucking rocks. anything that stays on throughout a night of smoking and drinking is pretty unfuckingbelievable so thanks for the heads up on that one!
January 7th, 2007 at 3:29 pm
Actually - I’m a Capricorn. :-)
And Dawn… you are VERY welcome! ;-)
January 7th, 2007 at 9:07 pm