I spent this past Saturday at a wrestling tournament. In fact, I spent 9.5 hours at a high school wrestling meet. If you carry the 2 and drop the 1 and remember the square root of 9…
… that means I used the public bathroom approximately 7 times.
Why should you care? You care because those seven trips to auto-mation nation inspired today’s FOADT post. That’s why you care.
Let us begin with the Super Toilets. Sure, in theory a constantly flushing toilet sounds brilliant. I mean - that should completely eliminate the “ewwww” moment of walking into an unflushed stall. Except that….
a) it doesn’t. Somehow, some way, there is some nasty shit that seems to get by the brilliance of the Super Toilet. Which wouldn’t be a huge deal - except that you KNOW there are Super Toilets in there, so you’re completely unprepared. And… well… just… yuck. But more importantly…
b) Super Toilets are fucking Stupid Toilets. Their super fucking sensors are obviously incapable of differentiating between “get up, pull your pants up, walk out” and a “shift”, or a “reach for toilet paper”. And heaven help you if you have to reach for your purse or something while you’re in there! I swear to God in one 2 minute pee those damn toilets flushed me THREE fucking times.
It’s annoying. And kind of embarrassing. And makes me want to stick my head over the door and say “I am NOT courtesy flushing in here!!” except that I know that as soon as I do, the fucking thing will flush again.
Anyway, so, the automated toilets piss me off.
And so I dragged my cranky ass out of the stall, and there’s people around and shit, so of course, I had to wash my hands.
Only, there were no knobs to turn the faucets on. Great. More fucking automation.
I stuck my hands under the sink while trying to find a happy medium between staring at myself in the mirror and making uncomfortable eye contact with the woman beside me. Please God just let the water come on so I can concentrate on washing my hands… please… please?
No water. Everyone beside me is washing their hands - in running water. I waved my hands under the faucet. I clapped. I showed it my jazz fingers. I showed it my middle finger. Nothing.
I leaned down to take a closer look. And the fucking thing hosed me down, drenching the entire front of my shirt. Apparently automated faucets are not activated by wriggling fingers, but rather by looming cleavage.
Damn it. I just wanted to get the hell OUT of there. I reached for a paper towel.
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
No paper towels. And do you know WHY there were no paper towels? Because I didn’t know the correct hand jive secret password to active the automated fucking paper towel machine!!
I waved, again. I danced, again. I even tried shaking my boobs at it, again. But no. Nothing. It seems that to activate the automatic paper towel machine, you have to actually stick your hand UP the paper towel machine’s ass - so that it can then growl at you as it leaps into action. I thought I was going to lose a finger.
The entire experience was traumatic. Seriously. Some of the most frustrating five minutes of my life. And somewhere between the neurotic flushing and the failed seduction of the towel dispenser, I remember thinking “oh yeah?! I’m so gonna fuck off and die you on Thursday!”
So… FOAD Automated Bathroom Facilities. Fuck Off And Die.
*sigh* I’m such a rebel.
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Posted in Dignity Is Overrated - Funny and Embarrassing Stories Tagged: automated sinks, automated toilets, bathroom humor, FOADT
How can we live SO freaking far away from one another and still have such horrifically similar experiences????
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That’s why I don’t use the bathroom anywhere other than at home. Fuck that.
Although you in a wet T-shirt sounds awesome. :mrgreen:
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that automatic flushing thing creeps me out. i don’t want toilet backwash on my parts. disease city. fucking ewww.
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I would rather pee outside in the parking lot like I just did a moment ago.
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I can handle the flushing toilet, sometimes annoying yes but I can deal. I can’t stand the automatic sink and paper towel dispenser, It always soaks me and leaves me with no way to dry my hands, there really is no hand jive that gets the towels out!!!:evil:
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I feel your pain. There ought to be more options. That’s what Capitalism is all about. Variety.
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You kill me - such great bathroom commentary.
I bet you were a pro after the seventh time.
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lmao! I mean, really, was just having a stack of paper towels laying near the sink such a bad idea? I’d prefer taking my chances with the possibly germ-ridden paper towels over getting jiggy for the automated dispenser any day.
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Wow. This was a GREAT post.
“Super Toilets are fucking Stupid Toilets” is really hard to say three times fast, too.
BTW, sorry to cross-comment, but I don’t know why your comment disappeared. It never got to me via email, either, and I get all of ‘em that way.
Rock on, sister!
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I am twisted to laugh at this but I couldn’t help it! Funny funny! Thanks for the giggles!
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I kept it together, until it drenched you. Those super flush things spray water back up & that’s nasty. It is kinda like you’re at the mercy of all that stuff.
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