I have this cute thing I do when people piss me off at work.  I throw things.  At people’s heads, usually.

Or at least, I try to throw things at people’s heads.  Unfortunately, I throw like a girl and I usually end up throwing things at the wall behind (or 50 feet beside) people’s heads.  This problem is exacerbated by the fact that it usually takes me a moment to find the exact right object to throw - giving my target sufficient time to move, fucking up my aim.

Yesterday, I was sitting at my desk, screwing around on my computer in a gallant effort to avoid any kind of real productivity.  My boss was standing behind me, a steady stream of smart ass comments flowing freely from his mouth.  Actually, he was standing behind the desk that sits behind me.

Suffice it to say, there was a pretty good distance - and and one unsuspecting graphic designer - between us.

I still can’t remember exactly what he said.  Most of the details leading up to The Big Break have been blocked out.  But whatever he said caused something inside me to snap.

And the stars of voo-doo justice aligned.  What happened next was nothing short of a miracle.

In one fluid motion, my fingers gripped the heavy Executive Style pen on my desk, my office chair swirled to the right, and I whipped that pen like a rocket - nay, like a Chinese Ninja Star - with enough force and speed that the very fabric of time and space was ripped cleanly in two.

The pen zipped through the air, weaving between the two computer monitors on the graphic designer’s desk and bypassing the poor graphic designer’s head by a mere inch.

In the blink of an eye, the ball point pen - clicky part out - went from my desk to the space directly between my boss’s eyes.

My boss, an athletic 6 foot plus giant of a man, tried to flinch - or rather, duck.  But he was powerless to defend himself from my wrath and what I am convinced was an act of destiny.

He yelped, apparently in pain.  I’m not sure which of us was more in shock that I actually hit him.

And I. lost it.

I’m telling you, I was on the floor - wheezing and gasping and peeing and crying as an uncontrollable fit of laughter overtook me.

“heee… heee… are you… heee… ok?  Oh my gosh… he he he he he… I’m so, so… heeeeeee… sorrrrry!”

“You could have put my eye out!!  Oh my God!  It’s a good thing I wear glasses!”

He has a hole in his head.  A perfectly round hole, precisely the size and shape of a pen tip, right between his eyes.  A hole that he proceeded to show me over and over again, as he tried to come to terms with what had just happened to him.

“I, I, I could be wearing an eye patch if I hadn’t had my glasses on!”

“heee… hee… I’m not sure if that would have made it more, or less, funny”

“Are you serious?  Are you seriously struggling with that?”

“heeee… heeeee… yes!!!”

“Oh my God.  You are… evil!”

“Come on, are you telling me if you had seen that on TV you wouldn’t have laughed your ass off?”

“You better get your coat on.  I don’t care if it’s 20 below freezing out there, you’re going to Office Depot for me.”

It’s official.  I can now add Stealth Ninja Could-be Killer to my resume.   And Popsicle, vengeful fucker.

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