I’m so angry right now I could spit. Or cuss. Or throw something really freaking hard at my husband’s head.
Last night my husband went out to a bachelor party. I hate these things because it is inevitable that something stupid is going to happen in the name of… er, what exactly? Celebration? Singledom? Friendship? Manliness? More like straight fucking stupidity.
But of course, a good wife would never tell her husband that she didn’t want him to go to a bachelor party. A good wife would never dream of suggesting that she wasn’t gung-freaking-ho about him spending all night on Sniffer’s Row in a sleazy strip club. No, a good wife in today’s retarded ass society is apparently supposed to be supportive and understanding and encouraging of their husbands and other naked women.
I try to be a good wife. Really, I do. I try to be open and honest with my husband about what I’m thinking and feeling - even if I know that it’s irrational. I try to make compromises. I try to be understanding. I try to put aside my own insecurities, personal beliefs and ideas when necessary… especially in the name of - what again? Oh yes. Friendship.
Because - what kind of a friend would a man be if he had to tell another friend he couldn’t go to a strip club because of his bitchy ass wife? Right? Yeah, fucking right.
So, my husband told me that they were probably going to end up in a strip club. He asked me how I felt about it. I told him.
Specifically, I told him that - as he already knew - I was not at all comfortable with the idea. And not because I imagine him heading to a cheap motel with a stripper. But rather, because I think it’s fucking degrading as hell - to all women, and especially to his wife. And because I don’t think he’d be cool with me taking my shirt off and prancing around the office topless - which makes that retarded ass argument of “their just boobs” completely null and void. Because I don’t understand why “paying for it” from girls “it’s not like you know”… somehow makes it OK.
I told him how I felt - and I also told him that I wasn’t going to tell him he couldn’t go. That I was uncomfortable as hell with the idea - but that I knew that I couldn’t make a big deal out of him just being IN a strip club without somehow coming off as the bitch ass wife and depriving HIM of being there for his friend.
I also told him that although it wasn’t exactly his fault, I thought that it was fucking retarded that women are no longer allowed to have a problem with their husbands in strip clubs.
He was understanding and all “I know honey, it’s dumb, I don’t know why guys have to be like that and I’m sorry because I really do understand but don’t worry because I don’t think about it that way anyway”.
So anyways - he goes. He spends three hours at the fucking strip club.
And this morning, after much prodding and pushing and teeth pulling and strategic fucking questioning, I learn that he got a fucking Dollar Dance.
Yeah, I’m pissed.
He knew I was going to be pissed.
“Um, sorry” he says
Fuck your sorry. Sorry doesn’t take it back. Neither, by the way, does the fact that you “didn’t pay for it” - dumb ass. Yeah, like it’s the fucking DOLLAR I’m stressing about. Sorry doesn’t erase the fact that while I was home in our bed waiting for you to come home, you had your face in some other woman’s tits.
Sorry doesn’t make me feel less like crying. Sorry doesn’t make me feel less like throwing up. Or whooping the shit out of you if I was big enough and strong enough to actually do it.
Sorry doesn’t make me feel less violated. Or betrayed. Or hurt.
Or guilty for being so mad.
The thing is - this isn’t the first time we’ve had this talk. He’s always known how I feel about strippers. And whether he thinks it’s dumb or not… isn’t how I feel supposed to have some weight?
I hate the fact that I’m the bad guy here. It seems that most women are totally cool with the whole stripper idea - and if you’re not you’re either a super prude or a major bitch. Does anyone else see how fucking ironic that is???
Anyway, so I’m pissed. I’m seething. I’m slamming shit around and stomping and huffing and sighing as loudly as I can.
Anything to keep from breaking down bawling.
Because good wives don’t cry when their husbands go to strippers.
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Posted in Love and Marriage
What makes you think you are the bad guy?? If he isn’t into it at all and he only went to support his friend(s), then why did you have to drag the story out of him?
Miss Britt, how dare anyone tell you that you have to feel a certain way in this situation! Feel what you feel, mad, hurt, betrayed, whatever it is. Feel it, embrace it, work through it and then if possible move past it.
Hugz to you my friend. Hope that helps just a little bit.
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never apologize for your emotions… you may feel like you should hide them… but hide youreself (bedroom, shower, movie alone, long drive…) and keep the emotions… trust me…
by the way… I’m exactly how you are… supremely jealous, but try to “understand”… it rarely works.
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There is no right or wrong - how you feel is how you feel, and he should respect that. Bottom line.
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You have every right to be pissed off, especially since he knew how you felt–and he went and got a dollar dance, anyway? WTF??? Sorry for my language, but that’s fucking bullshit. I would feel exactly the same way you do. And don’t apologize for how you feel.
I’d rather be thought of as a bitchy ass wife than a fucking carpet that someone could just walk on. Sorry if I’m not making sense–I’m really mad right now, too! How dare he???
Feel free to delete my comment if you think it’s necessary.
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You’re not the bad guy. Getting a “Dollar Dance” is entirely, 100% inappropriate.
My wife would have no problem with me going to a strip club for two main reasons. First, she knows that I have no interest and that I would decline if friends were going to one. Second, she knows that even if I went, I’d never get closer than 10 feet from a dancer.
It’s unfortunate that your husband felt okay with taking the trust that you placed in him to act like an adult and shot it to shit by doing that. He needs to understand why that’s wrong, and why that’s a betrayal of someone as awesome as you.
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Pfft! Men are asses, what more is there to say
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I bartended in a strip bar for YEARS. There’s a few hundred stories in there.
Anyways - what did he mean he didn’t pay for it? Did one of the other guys buy it for him? If that’s the case, I’ve seen that happen a million times. Usually, the poor guy doesn’t want it at all, but succumbs to the ‘not looking like an asshole’ in front of his friends. I always felt sorry for them - you could see the look of uncomfortableness on their face.
Maybe that’s what happened?
And, well … at least he told you, even though he knew you’d be pissed.
But I’m with you sister. I don’t want my husband in those places either. Especially having worked in one. Nasty.
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I plead the fifth on this one.
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Wicked: it does help, actually, because after hearing “that’s dumb” so many times, you start to wonder if you’re crazy for what you’re feeling. Thanks for the reminder - and hugs. :-)
Tori: I wouldn’t even say I’m “supremely jealous” - I just think that it’s a violation of something that’s supposed to be… sacred.
Tug: A-freaking-men! :mrgreen:
Barb: I don’t think your comment was unnecessary! In fact, I appreciate it. And I’m with you - I hate the idea of being thought of as the bitch wife, but I will not be walked all over either.
avitable: THANK YOU! Finally - a MAN who freaking gets it! Actually… I know a lot of men who would get it. In fact, I thought my husband was one of them.
Delite: do you want mine?
J.: well, he DID tell me, but he wasn’t exactly forthcoming with the info. I had to frickin’ drag it out of him.
I would assume he’d be one of the uncomfortable ones… but my head is so twisted around right now. I mean - I wouldn’t have thought he would do it at ALL - and I was dead wrong about that. I know it’s dumb, but it’s one of those things that makes me question everything I think I know. Yuck.
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Reminds me of my ex. When I was angry with him, I shopped with his $$. Then I thanked him for the gifts. The sales ladies used to love me. I was a regular. They’d always tell me what good taste he had.
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:shock:
You know, there are things you can do if you want revenge and I don’t mean showing up at a male strip club.
I completely agree with you, it’s disgusting and dehumanizing. Personally, I wouldn’t have given a shit what the guys thought, I don’t mind looking like the bitch-ass wife who won’t let her husband put himself in stupid positions.
You have every right to feel hurt, betrayed, and pissed - right in front of him if you need to. He apparently didn’t get how much this would hurt you.
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Take this the way I mean it please….
1st What is a dollar dance? is that like a lap dance because here in Texas we charge $25 for that.
From here on I am assuming it is a lap dance.
I was a stripper and I will tell you this Strippers for the most part are nasty nasty girls, I pride myself on that I wasn’t , because I didn’t do drugs and I didn’t suck and fuck for money. Most of these girls do.
I know of men who have gotten crabs in there facial hair, eyebrows and eyelashes from girls giving lap dances and grinding there g-string clad girlie parts in peoples faces as part of the lap dance.
Also, just so you know if he is saying he didn’t pay for it one of his buddies did, more than likely he really didn’t want it and only went along so his friends wouldn’t give him shit, it happens all the time especially with younger men. It is normally the older or the geeky can’t get a woman type that get all into it and spend money wanting the dances!
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I dunno where you live that its spose to be ok to let your husband go to the strip club? I think thats some stupid shit men think up to guilt women into being ok with it. They don’t know that clearly we are the smarter sex.
They are from Mars. Maybe we should ship them all back there for a while, just long enough to scare the shit out of them. Anyone?
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I’m with you on this one. I’d be pissed too. And I think your reaction is perfectly understandable. and that you shouldn’t hide your feelings. AND, since acting like a lady isn’t helping, throw a fit. I’ve had more than one ex tell me that they didn’t realize I was angry because I didn’t throw a fit. Apparently, guys need the drama. I think a royal tantrum is in order.
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Mist 1: I spent about $400 yesterday afternoon.
AmyD: I’m not sure HOW he didn’t get it.. but yeah, apparently not.
Now, this revenge you speak of… :twisted:
debkitty: a dollar dance is where the guys stand up at the edge of the stage and let the strippers rub themselves all over them, including putting their faces between their boobs. Funny thing, I’ve often said that I can’t believe women would do that for a DOLLAR - apparently Iowa Strippers are cheap. ;-)
I really, really appreciate your feedback on this. Obviously, it’s a perspective I hadn’t heard before.
Mon: Thank you! I live in a small town in Iowa - but a lot of the other wives I know are fairly young. Maybe that’s it - I don’t know. But it’s good to know I’m not crazy, sometimes I swear it’s like living in the twilight zone.
Ginamonster: oh believe me, I’ve been throwing a tantrum. It hasn’t been accomplishing much - but I’ve been throwing one.
So… anyone have any suggestions how the heck I’m supposed to get past this?!?!
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“So… anyone have any suggestions how the heck I’m supposed to get past this?!?!”
How ’bout getting your own lap dance, ya know “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” that should cheer you all up..
Remember tho’ you must take pictures!!
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I’m a retarded good wife. I don’t see the problem.
I know a ton of strippers and contrary to what J said, they were all working moms who liked making a truck ton of money to support their kids…not sucking and fucking anything.
I don’t see stripping as demeaning. It’s a woman’s choice. I don’t know anyone forced into stripping.
I’ve been to see the chippendales a couple of times and women are fucking pigs when they’re the ones watching the show. I’ve been to strip clubs where women were the strippers and it was boring as hell. Course, they’re not allowed to take off all of their clothes.
But then I don’t care that he has porn and naked chicks on his computer either…I like porn and naked chicks too.
It doesn’t hurt me. I doubt I would have grilled my husband about what he did either.
The retarded good wife in me trusts and knows he’s not gonna step out on me.
You say, ” And not because I imagine him heading to a cheap motel with a stripper” but I think that’s exactly what you do imagine otherwise why the grilling?
Yeah, the retard in me isn’t insecure and I wouldn’t have freaked out and prodded, pushed and pulled teeth.
But I’m a retarded good wife in a retarded society. What do I know? Oh wait, we don’t fight, we’re not jealous and we’re comfortable with each other…I don’t feel retarded.
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Oh a dollar dance….That is tipping the girls onstage! I get it. God you would think I was really stupid or something.
Okay I don’t want to belittle your feelings or anything, because you have a right to feel what you feel and I don’t want you to get any more angry at your man than you are but….
Here in Texas, that little dollar buys you maybe 5-10 seconds of attention from a girl, the rubbing of the face between the boobs, it is just like they are rubbing there face on a gross mans face because 25 have been there during that song before theres!
Another thing, who tips a buck so there friend gets tits in the face? I have never seen that, it is normally the lap dance that a friend buys a friend.
Also come on I have seen your pics and you are a hottie, are you going to let 5-10 secs bother you that much? It is like that 5-10 seconds that we all fantasize about fucking Matthew Mcconaughey!!!
To get over it, well honey just know you are the sexiest thing since sliced bread and don’t give him any until he has suffered enough and done enough groveling!
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Delite: are you volunteering? :shock:
Miss Ann: OK, woah! I do not think that you are a “retarded good wife” because you don’t have a problem with strippers. I’m going back and rereading… ok, I could see how you could make that leap, but that is not my point. One of my VERY best friends is exactly that wife, and not only do I adore her, but respect the kind of wife she is.
I don’t think it’s retarded that some women are OK with it. Everyone has different hot buttons. What I don’t like is the fact that if women AREN’T ok with it, and are secure enough to be HONEST about that - we get bashed. I think THAT is retarded.
I also don’t think that as a rule, strippers are.. well, anything bad. And I don’t think that STRIPPING is demeaning. I think that men who see women that way, married men especially… I think THAT is demeaning. I know that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but there’s a difference.
I guess I have some old school, naive thing that men are supposed to cherish, honor and respect women - or some shit like that.
But no, my problem with this whole thing is NOT because I think he’s taking someone home.
My problem with it is A) what it says about a man’s view on women in general and B) the fact that he knew beforehand how I felt about it.
debkitty: I’m really trying to not let 5-10 seconds bother me that much. I am. But I keep getting that flash, of HIS face in someother woman’s boobs. And I can’t help it - it makes me sick to my stomach.
Damn me and my vivid imagination! ;-)
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Ok I hope this isn’t too long.
Back in the day when I was too young to work in one but they didn’t check ID’s I worked as a waitress in a sleazy strip club. (Of course in VA they’re Bikini Bars because they couldn’t get nude).
I’ve seen it half and half.
Half respectable women who are just there to work and support children, student loans or just made a ton of cash.
Half a bunch of cracked out sluts who are just there to support their drug habits and make even more money on the side by fucking the guys there.
I also don’t care if my husband goes to a strip club but only if he invites me along because hey.. I like them too. HOWEVER, like Avitable, he isn’t interested in going and has on MANY occasion just come home from work rather than go to the clubs with the boys. He doesn’t do it because he thinks I’ll flip out but because he just doesn’t care too (that and he’s very cheap which is fine with me).
*IF* by some chance he happened to stumble into a strip club I’d be fine with it. I think it’s just because I’m 100% secure in our relationship and how he feels about me however I’ve been in relationships where I DIDN’T feel that way so I know what it’s like.
The only problem I would have is if he DID go and then lied to me about where he was. In that case I’d be pissed off as hell about the lying. The military guys out here do that a lot (go to bars and clubs and lie to their wives). It makes me sick. I’d rather my husband go fuck a hooker and tell me than go to a strip club and lie about it.
Ok sorry for blowing your comments up. :)
Long comment short. I don’t think you’re out of line. You feel the way that you do and it’s a matter of respect for your partner. Whether you agree with each other or not you just don’t do what is going to make the other one feel like shit.
*hugs*
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Back again.
I should mention that Mr. C has been to a strip club twice in the last 12 years. One of those was while he was with me. On the other hand, I used to go to one every Friday night with co-workers…so that means I spent way more time in strip clubs than he ever has.
I am in no way invalidating your feelings. How you feel is how you feel and that is not wrong…I like to say they’re my feelings…even if they are totally unreasonable…which yours aren’t.
But what about porn? How about Playboy? Naked pictures of women? Do you feel the same way about that stuff or is it just an up close and personal thing?
Call me a perv but I like porn and pictures of hot naked chicks (and I don’t have so much as a drop of bisexuality in me…I just think women’s bodies are way nicer to look at than men’s.)
And I’m totally with Rachel. If he lied about something like that I would kill him on the spot. The one time he did go to a stip club since we’ve been together, I think he was scared to tell me he was gonna. (friend who broke up with his girlfriend and needed a shoulder only he wanted to be miserable in a strip club…no, I don’t get it either.)
I’m actually glad I’m the way I am. Saves me a lot of trauma and angst.
I don’t know what advice I could give to “get over it.” If you see it as disrectful (which I would if some chick was sticking her crotch in his face) then it’s a matter of trust and in many ways, betrayal.
You can borrow my BMW Equaliser if you want too though.
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OK…let’s see, where to start
First - and I know this isn’t going to make sense to anyone - but yeah, I do feel the same way about porn, etc. Must be my Catholic guilt. :mrgreen:
I’m not like a super prude or anything - and I would definitely agree that women’s bodies are much nicer than men’s
It’s just… like I said, some wierd respect thing.
I mean, I don’t normally get all bent out of shape about it or anything, I just don’t get what the big deal is.
NOW… all that being said, I’ve never really had to come head to head with this before because my husband has never been into any of that stuff.
I’ve asked him if he wanted to do the whole porn thing - and he doesn’t. He’s been in a strip club maybe 4 times in his entire life and I’ve been there 2 of those times.
He’s just - not “that guy”.
I think that’s what is bothering me the most about this. I knew he was going to a strip club. I told him I didn’t LOVE the idea, but I didn’t tell him not to go and I really did understand that it was a rare “occassion”. I just didn’t expect him to be a “participant”. Because he’s never been “that guy”.
I feel stupid, because I felt like we were on the same page about this stuff. And I feel hurt because he disregarded my feelings. And betrayed because i trusted him to think about my feelings. And I feel repulsed everytime I think about.. well.. yeah, that whole idea just grosses me out. If I had BEEN there and seen it with my own two eyes - it would have been a hell of a lot better than the scene that keeps playing over in my own head.
But, bottom line - this obviously isn’t marriage ending shit. And - I’m pretty sure I’m getting my period today anyway - so that will buy me a week off “hell no you’re not touching me” to get my own head all straightened out.
Ooh - which, now that I think of it… probably also means I had PMS this weekend. Hmmm….
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A bit off topic: I had no idea that you’re living in a small town in Iowa. You poor thing. My husband’s from a small town in Iowa (population 5,000, so I guess it isn’t all that small–for Iowa).
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Everyone has pretty much said everything I would say. I agree with the fact that he did tell you. Sure, you had to poke him for the information but he did give it up.
I’ve been to a few strip clubs before with the guys from work and it’s not THAT bad. Then again I’m not married and they aren’t my husbands. I’ve been to a male review before as well which is the FUNNIEST thing you will ever see in your life.
Come on out here and I’ll show ya!
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You bit the bullet & tried to be supportive. It seems like your husband was deceptive when he said, “I don’t see it like that” yet, paid for a lap dance. Obviously, he does see it like that. Apologizing after is a moot point.
As for the strippers, this may come across wrong, but I am 100% supportive of women who choose this as a career. Unfortunately in our society, this is still the most lucrative job for women. These women have kids to support. For those who choose this as a profession, I don’t believe it’s at all demeaning. They see it as a job & use the assets they have. Society doesn’t want to recognize them for their brains, so they do what works & buys the food & pays the bills.
I think you’re a good wife. Each situation is different. I honestly feel your husband mislead you.
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I’m so sorry about the situation, Britt. I used to feel the same way you do. Then after I got married, I completely loosened up. I have no problem with Jason going to strip clubs every so often because when the Chippendales come to town, I have my own party. :) Two can play that game. Just don’t forget about that.
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Honey, I cannot begin to tell you how much we are alike…except I think I’m much worse. I just experienced the same thing last week. I’m 28 and raised as a good girl that supposedly is the reason he fell in love with me and wanted me as his wife. There was a bachelor party in WV and I told him I just knew they’d be going to a strip club, which I’m very much against him going. He knows this because we’ve talked about it before. He says he’s not interested in those places. Yet, while I’m out with the girls on the bachelorette party at a country club playing pool, they tell me..oh, yeah, the guys are going to the strip club tonight. I call him and say, I know where your going..I knew it..have a great freakin’ time? He later tells me he may have watched 1 or 2 girls for maybe a minute each but he mainly just cut up with the guys. Yeah RIGHT! PLUS, the bachelor promised his soon to be wife that there would be no lap dance..guess what? all the guys including my husband pitched in to give him a $40 private dance. My husband told me over the phone loudly because of all the music and the soon to be wife overheard, screamed, cried for 2 hours and almost didn’t marry him. He had promised her on her life..and did it anyways. I guess I’m very jealous and I’ve always had low self-esteem. It’s weird cause I’m constantly hit on, petite, won a beauty pagent a few years ago and yet still feel like I need bigger boobs or something because of all the competition out there with perfect bodies, porn, etc that is everywhere you look. I’ve tried watching porn with my husband to liven it up been when I found out he was watching it without me when I was at work, that ruined that. He’s always wanted me to strip dance for him and I’ve done better and better to where I wear kinky stuff and the whole bit but now my already low self esteem is as low as it can get. I feel like if I was worth looking at, he wouldn’t have gone to a strip club to watch big titty’d woman rub themselves on stage. I feel like if he loved me and was attracted to only me as he says - why make me feel ugly and useless by going to lust over other naked women. We’ve been marrried 10 years with 2 little girls. Why do I feel like this? Why can’t I just be the little pervert wife like so many others that strip dance and watch porn and all that crap with their husbands? Why do I take it personally as a threat against the way he views me? He has always told me I was gorgeous, sexy, the whole 9 yards. I’m the retarded one I guess but I just get sick everytime I imagine him staring at these naked women on stage and can’t help but imagine he’s dreaming of being with them instead of me.
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I can’t tell you how helpful reading these postings has been for me.
My husband of 22 years went to a strip club while on a weekend trip with “the guys” this past summer. I knew they would probably go to a strip club (it was, afterall, New Orleans) and just didn’t think about it. We never talked about it. Then, just a few weeks ago, one of his friends slipped and said something about all the money they dropped on lap dances. At the time I didn’t say anything. This was news to me and I was kind of stunned. I really didn’t know what is was exactly. I never put any thought into what goes on in strip clubs (which, by the way, no longer seem to be “strip” clubs, but instead erotic dance and pole dancing clubs). The next day I started to ask my husband about it and he told me all the details–probably more then I wanted to know. I was so upset, but didn’t know how to express my feelings. Plus, the fact that he didn’t mention it showed me that he was being deceptive. Then he tried to tell me it was no big deal, it didn’t mean anything, blah, blah, blah. Pretty much the same lines we all heard. Then he tried to make me out to be the bitch because I was making a big deal out of it and his other friends’ wife knew about it and didn’t care. Well I talked to her and she did care when I described to her what went on–her husband had left out a few details!
This was supposedly a “no touching” lap dance. The guys paid $50 a piece to go into a booth (he described them as multiple open booths about the size of a phone booth)in the back of the club and get a private dance. The girls were nude with only a g-string over their shaven crotches and one said she was in college–so that would make her around 18-21? I’ll be 48 next month. I have two daughters around that age.
I feel so betrayed and humiliated I can barely stand it. I’ve thrown a fit, I’ve cried, and I keep envisioning the scene in my head. My husband says he only wants me, how I’m still “hot” and blah, blah, blah. Somehow I feel our intimacy has been violated. He’s not supposed to be with another naked woman/girl, who is erotically dancing inches from his face–which he paid her $50 to do! Sounds to me like solicitation!
I’m very young looking for my age, in very good shape considering I’m extremely petite and had two children 18+ years ago. And there’s no lack of sex. I agree with other posting about how it makes me feel so insecure about myself, my body (I, too, feel like I need bigger boobs–I did breast feed his two children and we know what that does to breasts), and am I giving him what he wants, etc. How can I feel intimacy when I feel so insecure about myself? I’ve been changing my clothes with the bathroom door shut.
I’m still so angry I want to scream–why do they do this to us? What a lack of respect!
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Imagine it with the roles reversed, your husband trying to tell you “you can’t go somewhere” and you would be throwing a hissy fit about being controlled and “he can’t tell me what to do”.
If he told you he didn’t want you to go or do something, would you not do it out of respect for his feelings?
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AGuy - this happened over a year ago - but to answer your question - yes. If my husband asked me not to do something out of respect for his feelings, I would certainly make an effort to honor that.
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My husband just returned from stag party/weekend yesterday morning. I have NEVER condoned the whole strip club thing with him. I have been married for 6 years and have a 3 year old daughter with him. Time and time again we have fought over the strip club thing. I absolutely hate the fact that he feels that it’s OK to go to them when I am home with his child- just imagining what is taking place there. He may or may not be getting lap dances (we don’t know for sure, because we’re not there), but we all know that he is sexually aroused by these other women. Then he expects to come home and everything is fine. Yeah, right. He thinks that I have been over-reacting all of these years and jsut thinks that if he says that nothing happened, then I should just drop it. It makes me sick. I have always felt like the prude wife when it came to this, so I am happy to read that I am not the one in the wrong, so to speak. I told him that out of respect to me, he shouldn’t go. But then he comes back with the lame excuse that his friends are going and it’s fine. Obviously, he doesn’t care enough about me to change this. Am I wrong? No, I’m not! If I was going out with my girlfriends looking at penises while he was home with our daughter, that would be OK, right? Yeah, didn’t think so. What am I supposed to do?
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Dear Miss Britt,
I have been searching online for “how I should feel” about my husbands addiction to strip clubs. Okay, it’s not as bad as it sounds, he goes once a month. But that is “toned down” as he calls it. We have only been married for three months, and this is something that has been a big issue for us the past year, before that I never said anything- I was trying to be the good girlfriend, and believed him that he didnt really like to go. I guess I thought he would actually stop going to the strip clubs, and he has actually agreed-when he was sober-that he would only go twice a year. I made him agree to this before we got married because it mattered that much to me, for all the same reasons that all the women here have commented on. Ready for the twist? I used to be a stripper, it was a fun and fleating thing for a few months. I was getting bored with it by the time my husband and I started dating. Because I respected him, and our relationship I stopped dancing. He kept going. We’re a team, so I feel extra hurt because I made a sacrifice for our relationship. I do have heavy insecurities about him being there because he has dated strippers before, one of which he met in the club. So they’re not just performers, or unattainable. And, yes, for the majority the girls I saw were lowly drug users that could care less about their children-they chose the lucrative job to pay for their expensive drug habits. Out of the thirty of us that worked there, three of us were clean-college girls just trying to pay for our educations.
So, there is quite the pickle, and I dont know whata to do about it. Trust is huge, and when I dont go out with him and his friends he ends up in a strip club (about once a month). And I ask him if he is going to go to one and he says no. Of course he is sober at that point, and when he stumbles home he isnt-so its no use to talk about it then. I have expressed in everyway imagenable how much it pains me, and at this point I feel nothing. I have a husband who, apparently, does not value me, my feelings or our relationship enough to maake it work. He says the strip clubs dont matter, that he isnt interested in them, but cant stay out when his friends lead to way. Its a masculinity thing, and he, unfortunately, is choosing his friends instead of me.
I need advice, big time. How did you and your hubby get throught it?? There is a part of me that just wants to accept that I cant change him and bail… He isnt getting lap dances, he is very honest. Very honest and open, so he answers all my questions. And I despise how many HOURS and HOURS we have spent over the past year hacking through this with seemingly NO PROGRESS!!! I cannot help but feel it is a respect issue, and he does not validate my feelings. I have explained to him that he would be upset if I went back to dancing, and I think he is just very confident that I wouldnt actually do that.
Help, I need advice to save my sinking marriage!
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First let me say that I am probably the last person on earth to give marital advice. If there was a top ten list of what not to do when you’re married - I’ve probably done 80% of them, some on a regular basis. My marriage is not perfect, OK?
That being said - no one’s marriage is “perfect”. Marriage sucks sometimes - a lot. And anyone who tells you differently is full of shit. The first year is the absolute HARDEST I think. Because all of a sudden it’s not just an argument or a disagreement, it’s that overwhelming feeling of “holy shit, what did I just do and now I am stuck! HELP!”
Here’s my “advice” - or rather, assvice more accurately - be honest. Keep being honest. Don’t be afraid to get mad. But above all, be honest. Don’t pretend to be OK with something you’re not OK with. Don’t worry about trying to appear confident/secure/supportive, etc. if that is the total opposite of what you’re feeling. He can’t respond to the situation if he doesn’t know exactly what it is.
And listen.
Although, honestly, in this situation it sounds like your husband is being a selfish ass. I’m sorry - but it’s something you’ve talked about and he’s willfully doing something that he knows hurts you, right?
Um… I don’t have a “healthy” answer for that. Honestly, if m husband pulled that shit after REPEATED conversations and promises, I would lock his ass out. Seriously. I mean, you have to pick your battles and all that blah blah blah - but there’s also a line. And just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have to “put up” with anything and everything. Everyone has a line - the question is, what is yours?
For me, if he crosses the line, he doesn’t sleep in my bed. (And that has to be a serious line, for me)
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