OK. I’m going to get this out and then move the fuck on. Finally.
As everyone in the entire world seems to know, my old blog disappeared shortly after my mother found it. It wasn’t just because she found it, but because she specifically threatened to use it against me.
Anyway, it was a bit of an eye opener for me in a lot of ways.
First - freaking DUH - don’t put shit out there on the Internet and assume that no one would ever stumble upon it. (Although, no one I know has ever “stumbled upon it” - but it made me realize that they COULD). That’s part of the reason I made the move to WP - nothing says cover your ass like private posts.
Seoncd, it made me aware of some underlying issues with my mom that I’m not ready to deal with yet. Or maybe more acurately - that I just can’t. I understand that she was upset about some of the things that she read, and that we could have gotten over. But what has caused a cease and desist in our relationship is what she did with that anger. I believe everyone has a right to their feelings. I also believe that most people don’t handle those feelings with perfect charm and grace all the time. God knows that I don’t. But I also believe there is a line. There has to be lines.
And third - and really the point I had intended this post to make - is that I’ve noticed a dramatic change in myself. And I don’t like it.
My mom called me lots of names - which, whatever, I’ve been called names before and while I don’t think I specifically called her names I certainly called her out. But she painted me in a light that I hadn’t viewed myself in before. Now I find myself extremely self concious. All the time.
Maybe I am a big fucking fraud like she said. Maybe I am an egotistical brat. Oh wait, was it slut? Maybe I am selfish and an idiot and sucky and all of those things.
But shit - if I was those things before at least I EMBRACED them! Now I just feel like I’m walking around all the time going “oh crap, does this make me a bad person?”
It’s fucking exhausting. And confusing. And it makes my writing suck. And my jokes. And my dinner conversation.
I don’t like being this wishy-washy not sure of who the fuck I am kind of person. I don’t like CONSTANTLY doubting myself. I don’t like feeling like I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to behave.
So. Fuck it. I got some wonderful emails of support from people who read my old blog. And although my mom would say that is stupid because they don’t know me and “will never love me” - it did help. A lot. I also have had some excellent support in real life from the people who know me best, including my husband.
I am tired of being afraid. I am tired of feeling guilty. If people don’t like me - online or off - they don’t have to fucking be around me. Period.
But I am going to be ME - whatever the hell that means at any given moment in time. :-)
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We all have varying sides to our personalities there is nothing wrong with expressing them, even if some people don’t recognize those sides of us.
You write for YOU… not for anyone else.
September 28th, 2006 at 6:50 pm
Bravo.
September 28th, 2006 at 9:09 pm
You gotta do what is right for you and screw everyone else. Don’t buy into someone else’s petty bullshit either. I’m glad you’re back up!
September 28th, 2006 at 9:10 pm
:mrgreen: Good for you!! I for one am happy you are back, and doing what you want to do.
September 29th, 2006 at 5:21 pm
I’m sorry that your mom discovered your other blog and didn’t understand it or what you were doing with it. :(
I’ve had some old friends discover my blogs and it feels kind of weird. I think my writing style has changed a bit. I’m less open that I was a few months ago and I rethink what I’m posting at times. I don’t like it. It’s not like I’m saying anything bad, but sometimes I use my blog to say things that I don’t let out in my RL.
Glad to see you back! :) Oh and I like the template. Going to check out Amy’s site now too.
September 29th, 2006 at 11:22 pm
Well damn it, I love you, girl! And I am glad you are back!
I will adjust my bloglines!
September 29th, 2006 at 11:27 pm
Glad to have you back!
September 30th, 2006 at 4:49 pm
I think you’re great. I had just found you when you disappeared, but I’m liking you so far.
Glad you’re back!:smile:
October 3rd, 2006 at 1:34 am
You know I love ya, welcome back!
October 3rd, 2006 at 2:38 pm
YAY! YOU ARE BACK! I’m so sorry about all of this and I can understand how you feel, completely. I tend to be one of those “wishy washy” folks right now but that’s because I have had a long long struggle of finding the true me… and I’m REALLY CLOSE! GO ME! LOL!
Anyway, you seem like a real person and are honest… that in itself is honorable! Keep at it girl… be yourself and nothing else.
October 3rd, 2006 at 6:44 pm
I had to play catch-up…missed your blog lots and found you via IT2M.
I’m glad you faced the facts. Basically, you need to blog to get things out of your head and put them here to share…getting feedback rocks, I say.
And, you have to be YOU and if someone judges YOU then they are the ones with the issue. I have noticed since I got this into my head how many people carry around baggage and they have NO idea they are carrying it.
Anyways, glad you’re “bringing sexy back” and blogging again :grin:
October 4th, 2006 at 9:32 pm
I am so very glad I found you again!!! I was so upset to see that you were gone, and I am thrilled that you are back!!
October 5th, 2006 at 6:38 pm
So glad you are back. I didn’t realize how much I liked you until you were gone. My mom is similar to yours. I divorced her last December but I still worry that she’ll find my blog or my wretched life story I wrote for Motherless.
October 9th, 2006 at 1:29 pm