The longer we’re away, the more bitter and sweet it is to go back.

While being with our oldest friends is a stark reminder of what we could never have in another place, it is also difficult to be anything but grateful. Grateful because somewhere, always, there is a place where we can go back to and find a collection of people waiting for us. It’s impossible not to marvel at my own good fortune when confronted with such a constant source of love and security.

Security. The things that do not change. The love and the histories that are already behind you.

But there, too, I must face the inevitability of evolution.

The babies are no longer babies. The children are straining to no longer be children. The adults are, suddenly, showing age in their faces and their slower and more fragile bodies. As much as the love remains the same, the stories are rolling forward towards their own ends. Without you.

It’s not that I was sad, or am sad, to be living here while they continue to live there. I’m just… aware… of what I’m giving up. Of what we’re giving up… to be here.

Being in Parkersburg was particularly different this time. Time for them exists in two eras - before the tornado and after the tornado. Objects are identified as having survived or having been replaced. People are either in their homes or still waiting.

We, of course, do not fit into any of those categories.

We are, blissfully, unaffected. Somehow this thing that tainted everyone we love left us completely untouched. And while I know enough to thank God for having been spared, it is also an eerie thing to watch your family and friends cope with and define themselves by a tragedy that is foreign to you.

A friend of mine called it another degree of separation.

It felt, oddly like, standing on the outside of a circle that had to close together in order to stay strong. I was at once appreciative of my distance from it and confused by my new found alienation.

The bitter and the sweet.

Going home and going back.

I wonder when, or if, it will become little more than a routine visit for me that I can simply enjoy without all the extra twinges of emotion fucking things up.

Psst... thanks for stopping by! I hope I didn't traumatize you too badly on your first visit. Remember to subscribe to my RSS feed if you want updates from the site!

Posted in Personal - Growth and Things I'm Trying To Learn Tagged: family, family vacation, Iowa, Parkersburg, Parkersburg Tornado | 1 Comment »

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I spent several hours yesterday uploading 500 pictures - and I’m still not done.

I then proceeded to spend several more hours painting the front entry and hallway of my house - because that totally makes sense to do right after you come home from vacation and should be getting ready for work.

What that means to you is that I have no time to sit down and write real live actual words and lots and lots of pictures of people you don’t know to entertain you with.

Lucky you.

This is Emma waiting for an airplane. Isn’t that festive?

This is Devin and me, shortly after arriving in Iowa, with my Grammy. Yes, I still call her that because that is her name.

This is my baby brother, who is.. um.. I have no idea what the hell is going on here.

This is snow. This picture was taken through sliding glass doors from the inside. Because snow is fucking cold.

These are, I am told, happy butts.

This is us. Me, my mom, and my two brothers. I have other family - other parents and siblings and grandparents whom I adore. But these people were, for a very long time, the only thing I knew without a doubt I was a part of.

This is my niece. She was a baby the last time I saw her. Leaving her, knowing she would forget me all over again and reinvent herself all over again before the next time I laid eyes on her, ripped my damn heart out.

This is Emma opening the TV her grandparents got her for Christmas. Did I mention she’s three?

This is Devin opening the telescope that his grandparents got him for Christmas. Did I mention we traveled by airplane?

This gift was actually bought for Devin last spring, which in Parkersburg speak means before the tornado. Somehow that telescope survived an F5 tornado. I guess having another carry on was totally worth it.

This is Emma learning how to change a diaper. Because she got a baby that shits itself. For Christmas.

These are a few of my girlfriends. We used to get together every Thursday to smoke cigarettes and gossip on Erin’s front porch.

This is my Daddy. He reads my blog and listens to my radio show. And he calls to talk to the kids at least once a week. He wasn’t always the most involved parent, so I’m especially grateful for him now.

This is my evil, evil stepmother. She bought low carb pizza to feed me while I was at her house. She is not my mom, but she is definitely, absolutely, 100% family.

Oh, and she’s drunk on YouTube here. Heh.

And this? This is my Jeremer. He is Jared’s oldest brother, my fellow black sheep, and one of my most favorite people in the whole entire world.

And some days, I miss him most of all.

Posted in Photo Essays Tagged: airplane, Christmas, Daddy, family, Iowa, mom, parent, Parkersburg, picture, snow, stepmother, vacation, youtube | 37 Comments »

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Of course, you probably already knew that.

But did you also know…

I’m home.

I’m unpacked.

Both kids are unpacked including having put away all of their Christmas presents.

I’m awesome.

I still haven’t gone grocery shopping.

But still - awesome.

I came home to presents from my wish list.

Seriously - how cool is the freaking Internet?????

Speaking of the Internet, this is the first time I’ve turned on my computer in about 12 days.

So I’m a weeee bit behind on all things Internet related.

And yet some how I found time to tell the Internets about working from home.

Like I said, awesome.

Did you know all that?

Do you know who that guy is that I’m strangling up there?

Posted in Miss Britt - stories, memes and random facts about me | 30 Comments »

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The last time I was there, it didn’t look like home.

They tell me it still doesn’t look like home, even now. And it never will.

The neighborhoods have been replaced with construction sites and the homes with upgraded, more modern houses. The highschool that I attended no longer exists, and the sign in front of the old parking lot shows a picture of a building I will never recognize. Gone is the low, sprawling building that held so many of my cornerstone memories. In its place will be a three story tower with a basement where people can take shelter.

Just in case.

There is no grocery store. No restaurant. No bar and grill where we can gather with our friends for a night while everyone is back in town for the holidays.

Physically, visually, my hometown was wiped from the face of the Earth last spring.

And yet, today, we get on a plane to go home.

We’ll sit with my mother and my brothers and their new families, in a house that has no place in my childhood. And we’ll laugh and tell stories and eat over sized black olives drowned in french onion dip in the exact same way that we have since the three of us were babies.

We’ll gather with his parents and his siblings, our niece and our nephew, in his brother’s home instead of his parents - who are still homeless. We won’t give his dad tools or his mom paintings to hang on a wall, but we’ll share pictures and videos of their grandchildren with them. Out kids will play with their cousins and save up new memories to carry them into the next year.

And still, without a local bar and grill, we’ll be with our friends. We’ll sleep in their guest beds and drink beer in their garages. We’ll pile their children with our children into playrooms and bunk beds and swap war stories about parenting and marriage who used to be the bigger whore back in the day.

And there is where we’ll find home.

Not in the buildings that were wiped away, or even in the homes that are deeply missed and mourned for. But in the people. In the memories and the relationships. In the circles where you can breathe more easily than you have in months because there, here, is where you are known.

Posted in Friends and Family | 37 Comments »

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and exercising every morning and drinking insane amounts of water and not letting a drop of diet coke touch my lips and cutting back to only one cup of coffee a day and even, did I mention, exercising?!?!

I’ve finally lost 4 pounds.

YES!!!!!!!!! *mighty Home Alone fist pumps*

Dear Thighs, I'm Sorry, but it would be rude to say No.

Son of a BITCH.

Bring on the holiday treats and vacation overeating.

Posted in Miss Britt - stories, memes and random facts about me | 27 Comments »

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